Day: September 4, 2009

You Missed It: Unofficial end of summer edition

It’s the end of a long week before a long weekend. (That is how it works, isn’t it?) You probably stopped working hours ago and are now just surfing for random stuff. Before you go back to your LOLcats, I hope you enjoy this. If you were busy getting hazed by embassy security guards this week, odd are you missed it.

At least we don’t get hurricanes
Firefighters in the Los Angeles area fought, of all things, a fire this week in what is becoming the annual “hills are burning” festival. And once again, the cause is likely arson, according to investigators. Though the flames billowed smoke for days and are not yet contained fully, Los Angeles resident have only noticed their usual smog is pine scented now.

Just don’t get her started on her 8/6/45 inside job theories
The normally straight-laced Japan is in for some exitement in the near future. (This is true.) Miyuki Hatoyama, the country’s future first lady claims she knows Tom Cruise–not in this life, but a past one. Better yet, she and her husband regularly eat the sun, and once when she was sleeping, aliens abducted her and took her to Venus. You can find these revelations and more in Hatoyama’s new book The Audacity of Bats$%t Insane.

Yay feminism!
According to the U.S. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration reports that the number of female DUIs rose nearly 30 percent from 1998 to 2007. Police say the number may have increased because is particularly because it is difficult to tell if a car is swerving because the driver is intoxicated, or just female.

Bouncing metal is pretty historically factual

Just about everyone’s shot a gun, in some form or fashion, at some point in their life. Maybe it was a real gun. Maybe it was a fake toy gun. Maybe it was you shooting a target on your screen with a Wiimote using the virtual equivalent of a gun. Nonetheless, you shot a gun. Whether you were steady and true in your shot, that’s a different story. Me, I’ve shot my fair share of bullet based projectiles in my life, all the time with horrid attempts at accuracy.

Still, if was using a Civil War era cannon, I’d like to say that somehow I don’t think I’d be unlucky enough to make the cannonball bounce off of a hill and go through my neighbor’s house.

Maybe old people won’t get hearing AIDS

Flicking is commonly known as "The Italian Goodbye."

Good news, everybody! Researchers have discovered antibodies that keep HIV from evolving into full-blown AIDS.

As we all know, it’s not HIV that kills a person, but the multiplication of the virus that leaves the body unable to fight other infections, like the flu or jock itch. But, you can pretty much live with HIV for the rest of your life (however long that may be).

So, good-bye fear of AIDS! Hello, shared needles!*

*Disclaimer: The Guys don’t share needles without protection. We always inject ourselves through a condom.

You’ve got the frog one, baby

The animals are now resorting to suicide missions to try and kill us. Take for example one Florida man who thought he was going to be enjoying a refreshing Pepsi, only to get Pepsi’s limited release “Dismembered Frog Series.”

The animals are trying to choke us, and are willing to die themselves in the process. God only knows what they’ve done to our Coca-Cola factories.

Fresh new beats

It was recently determined that monkeys do not like what we call music. I am not sure if this means they hate everything from Mozart to that new Jay-Z song, but apparently they do not appreciate music we like.

Why is this? Perhaps they think they are better than us, perhaps hearing our music only reminds them of how oppressive we have been toward all animals for thousands of years.

Now, musicians are making music for monkeys–and they like it. You know how elevator music is intended to put us in a better mood? Imagine the control we could have over these creatures, we could control them! At the very worst, we can tell them that the music they like sucks.

Burn.