Day: September 8, 2009

Eat My Sports: NFL predictions edition

Bust out your Michael Vick jersey, a case of Miller Lite and prepare to gain 20 pounds, IT’S FOOTBALL SEASON! How will it all pan out? So glad you asked. My sports knowledge and ability to guestimate gives you predictions for every division, team and eventual playoff outcomes. Let’s ride.

NFC East

The NFC East was supposed to be the new “it” divisions last year, shortly before it lived up to expectations in 2008 the way Angelina Jolie tanked in Changeling. Now in 2009 the East is down to one good team, two teams that got rid of egomaniacal receivers, and the Redskins. Don’t be surprised when this team yields only one playoff bid this year.

The Call: Philadelphia Eagles 12-4

The Rest: New York Giants 9-7, Dallas Cowboys 8-8, Washington Redskins 5-11

NFC South

Another pretender division that choked like a British nanny as the weather got colder. Yes, I predicted the Saints to go to the Super Bowl last year, but injuries and NO DEFENSE prevented that. This year you have an aging Carolina squad, New Orleans’ offense, a terrible Tampa team and an Atlanta franchise that will probably get a second year hangover from Matt Ryan, I mean he is still only a year out of college, hangovers happen my friend. The bottom line is you could make an argument for any of these teams, simply because the division is so bad. So pick the least heinous person to make out with at this party, because this one isn’t pretty.

The call: Atlanta Falcons 10-6,

The rest: New Orleans Saints 8-8, Carolina Panthers 7-9, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 6-10 Continue reading Eat My Sports: NFL predictions edition

For Elijah Wood!

The book, it burnses us! Cursed texts-filled pages!The lawsuit by the Tolkien family over profits from New Line Cinema’s Lord of the Rings movies has been settled!

Warner Bros., the new owners of New Line, wisely ditched New Line’s original “Go f@%k yourself, Christopher” defense and will pay the author’s family.

Being British, the family apologized for doing something assertive (since colonization), regretting “that legal action was necessary, but are glad that this dispute has been settled on satisfactory terms.” (“Satisfactory terms!” They even sound like hobbits!)

So, that’s good news for the fans and great news for the rest of us, who were worried that we’d have to actually pick up a book about elves and read it.

God can’t beat swine flu

H1N1 (swine) flu is coming for you. It’s not just a lame rhyme, it’s a message the Catholic Church in Italy wants you to know. That’s why they aren’t letting people kiss a vial of blood from Saint Gennaro at Naples’ annual festival this month.

You know, because kissing a vial of a dead person’s blood that thousands of other people have kissed would be completely safe otherwise.

Working hard: very controversial

How'd a cactus end up in the classroom?According to the headlines,* President Barack Obama gave a very controversial speech today.

Rather than encouraging non-voters to support health care or elect more socialists this November, he had the audacity to encourage them to work hard in school this year and make good grades.

Great, just what white America needs: more minority presidents in the future.

*Note: At the time of publication, the headline was “President Obama delivers controversial speech.”

Sound the horn!

Did you know that you can legally hunt gray wolves without the federal government coming after you and telling you you are a bad person? It’s true! The only thing is that the hippies will still say that, and it is not yet legal to hunt hippies.

As of September 15, you can go wolf hunting. After being on the endangered species list, they were taken off, only to be replaced again, but that got shot down, so the hunt will go on! Remember folks, werewolves are always on the kill list.