Eat My Sports: Gone mournin’

Posted on September 15, 2009
Filed Under Eat My Sports | Leave a Comment |

Actor Patrick Swayze is dead. That’s the bad news. The good news is that he had the time of his life, and he owes it all to Schools.

For that reason, there will be no Eat My Sports this week, as Bryan Schools is in mourning. But fear not, he will be back next week to update you all on the SeriouslyLions, make some picks for the upcoming games, and of course, talk about how amazing Tom Brady and the New England Patriots of Football after their exciting win over the Buffalo Buffaloes last night.

Or maybe he’ll just talk about the fun new hairstyles of football players. We’re only seven days away from finding out the answer!

Written by Bryan McBournie

It’s raining corks!

Posted on September 15, 2009
Filed Under Booze News | Leave a Comment |

Think about a truck on fire carrying liquor. Rather sad, isn’t it? Now think about a truck on fire carrying wine. It’s less sad. Now imagine firefighters being attacked by corks from the exploding wine bottles.

Written by Bryan McBournie

Dude extorts own mother, fails

Posted on September 15, 2009
Filed Under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Tokyoh-no! | Leave a Comment |

OK everyone, I know that my last story probably isn’t the most feel good story of year. However, this one is, though more in a quasi-National Lampoon’s Vacation/Naked Gun subplot vein.

So there’s this dude. And this dude is hard up for money, because, y’know, economy. So what does he do? He tries to get 30 million yen by calling his mom up at 2 am after not coming home Friday night, claiming that he has her son held hostage and wants the money.

The 31 year old man didn’t come home to his mom. Let that sink in.

Mom, being the worrying parent she is, had already filed a missing persons report when he didn’t come home Friday night. She lets the police know, and mentions that it sounded like her son was the one on the phone. After five hours of police searching, they found him parked in a car down by the river. Police detained him, and the reason for all this?

“[H]e did it because he thought his misappropriation of company funds was about to be discovered, and because he wanted to cause some trouble for the company.”

Simultaneous failure attempts FTW.

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Urination: A human rights issue

Posted on September 15, 2009
Filed Under Headline of the Day, What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |

Town Hall Participant: “[... In conclusion,] don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.”

Rep. Pete Stark (D-California): OK. I won’t pee on your leg.

Media: OMG! Rep. Stark refuses to pee on his constituent’s leg!

And then the same news sources ask why everyone’s tone is unconcillatory during this healthcare debate.

Written by Rick Snee

Yeah, so someone really got down with the sickness

Posted on September 15, 2009
Filed Under Regular Post | Leave a Comment |

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a stuffed animal that can be made to help explain this situation. Oedipus Duck, maybe?

Truth told, there’s a definite irony about the media bringing up the topic of concern for the child, yet runs the story all over the place. Us? We’re just jerks.

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Alcohol makes the world your bed

Posted on September 15, 2009
Filed Under Booze News | Leave a Comment |

Alcohol-induced sleep isn’t usually very deep, which is probably why you wake up tired. (You’ll have to ask Dr. Snee about that one.) However, some people are just deep sleepers. A French teenager is one of that fold.

It was there that a 19-year old got drunk, most likely off of wine or something. He got a little sleepy and decided to take a nap outside, his mistake was deciding to sleep on train tracks. As he slept between the tracks, a speeding train passed over him. The driver of the train saw him but was unable to stop the train for much longer. He did not wake up after the train passed over him.