Eat My Sports: Gone mournin’

Actor Patrick Swayze is dead. That’s the bad news. The good news is that he had the time of his life, and he owes it all to Schools.

For that reason, there will be no Eat My Sports this week, as Bryan Schools is in mourning. But fear not, he will be back next week to update you all on the SeriouslyLions, make some picks for the upcoming games, and of course, talk about how amazing Tom Brady and the New England Patriots of Football after their exciting win over the Buffalo Buffaloes last night.

Or maybe he’ll just talk about the fun new hairstyles of football players. We’re only seven days away from finding out the answer!

Dude extorts own mother, fails

OK everyone, I know that my last story probably isn’t the most feel good story of year. However, this one is, though more in a quasi-National Lampoon’s Vacation/Naked Gun subplot vein.

So there’s this dude. And this dude is hard up for money, because, y’know, economy. So what does he do? He tries to get 30 million yen by calling his mom up at 2 am after not coming home Friday night, claiming that he has her son held hostage and wants the money.

The 31 year old man didn’t come home to his mom. Let that sink in.

Mom, being the worrying parent she is, had already filed a missing persons report when he didn’t come home Friday night. She lets the police know, and mentions that it sounded like her son was the one on the phone. After five hours of police searching, they found him parked in a car down by the river. Police detained him, and the reason for all this?

“[H]e did it because he thought his misappropriation of company funds was about to be discovered, and because he wanted to cause some trouble for the company.”

Simultaneous failure attempts FTW.

Urination: A human rights issue

From the immortal children's classic, 'Green Legs and Piss.'Town Hall Participant: “[… In conclusion,] don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.”

Rep. Pete Stark (D-California): OK. I won’t pee on your leg.

Media: OMG! Rep. Stark refuses to pee on his constituent’s leg!

And then the same news sources ask why everyone’s tone is unconcillatory during this healthcare debate.

Alcohol makes the world your bed

Alcohol-induced sleep isn’t usually very deep, which is probably why you wake up tired. (You’ll have to ask Dr. Snee about that one.) However, some people are just deep sleepers. A French teenager is one of that fold.

It was there that a 19-year old got drunk, most likely off of wine or something. He got a little sleepy and decided to take a nap outside, his mistake was deciding to sleep on train tracks. As he slept between the tracks, a speeding train passed over him. The driver of the train saw him but was unable to stop the train for much longer. He did not wake up after the train passed over him.

“Roused by police and fire fighters who attended the scene, the young man gave a one-fingered salute before rolling over and going back to sleep.”

Sleep on, hero.