Day: September 16, 2009

Take it from Snee: Spank Kata!

They knew we loved it.For at least 10,000 years, people have been punished for sex with children.

Hang on.

People have been punished for having sex with children.

No.

Children are a punishment for sex. There we go. (Unless you have sex with prepubescent children.) And hello to all of our new readers from the FBI!

Children whine, scream and cry; they bite, hit and kick; they interrupt your favorite TV shows, force you to leave movie theaters and open your toys, ruining their in-box value. And despite all of that, you can’t hit them.

So, what is a parent to do when a child is unruly? Have you considered Spank Kata? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Spank Kata!

Warrior of the Week: Duan Qiongxiu

A woman in China discovered a snake clinging to the wall of her bedroom with one clawed foot. It turned out she’d discovered an incredibly rare mutation: it’s actually more common for snakes to have two heads than feet. Of course, by mutation, I mean insidious and sinister plot by animals to create super beasts.

Luckily, the brave and noble Duan Qiongxiu of Suining, China, killed the snake before it could be captured and studied by scientists upon first encounter. She said the monster was crawling along her wall using its foot and she beat it to death.

The snake – 16 inches long and the thickness of a little finger – is now being studied at the Life Sciences Department at China’s West Normal University in Nanchang.

Snake expert Long Shuai said: “It is truly shocking but we won’t know the cause until we’ve conducted an autopsy.”

Creatures can re-evolve old features. Maybe this snake is the first mutation in a series that will bring back snakes with legs? Perhaps as the snakes’ environments disappear, it will be better for them to have legs with claws. All the better for climbing around in cities. And killing us. Duan didn’t stumble upon an evolutionary throwback-what she found was a secret weapon. We’re only too lucky to that she eliminated it before more could be created … that we know.

Duan Quongxiu, we proudly name you our Warrior of the Week.

Children silence the lambs

In Britain, they know how to teach their children, unless you ask Pink Floyd. We believe that the rest of the world’s education systems can take a lesson from the Brits.

Recently, a group of schoolchildren raised a lamb for six monyhs, named it Marcus, and then sent it to the slaughter. Why did they do this? Because quite frankly, it’s either us or them, would you want the lambs to each your children and call it veal?

The lesson was protested by all the usual species traitors and haters of education. But England doesn’t bend to the will of PETA as easily as we do here. The kids may use the money from slaughtering Marcus to buy some pigs, which hopefully they too will slaughter.

Oh sure, it’s all fun and addiction until someone loses $125,000

Dear America,

Stop being a big ol’ dummy-face. It’s not a casino’s fault if you lose an eighth of a million dollars in one solitary night; however, it’s definitely your fault. It’s not a casino’s fault if you have problems with gambling addiction and decide to stay a night in the casino’s hotel; however, it’s definitely your fault. It’s not a casino’s fault if you’re a compulsive gambler and you don’t take advantage of numerous programs that can help you with your problem; however, it’s definitely your fault.

Hey, science! How’s it going with that responsibility formula? You think we can inject it into Big Macs and Whoppers yet?

The Slowskis would like this

Be glad you don’t live in South Africa. There, carrier pigeons are faster than the Internet.

A local news agency found that it took a pigeon eight minutes to fly 50 miles with a message on its leg. On the other hand, sending and downloading that file the same distance took two hours, six minutes and 57 seconds.

In related news, we’d like to say hello to our South African readers, who will be reading this on Friday.