Take it from Snee: Spank Kata!

They knew we loved it.For at least 10,000 years, people have been punished for sex with children.

Hang on.

People have been punished for having sex with children.


Children are a punishment for sex. There we go. (Unless you have sex with prepubescent children.) And hello to all of our new readers from the FBI!

Children whine, scream and cry; they bite, hit and kick; they interrupt your favorite TV shows, force you to leave movie theaters and open your toys, ruining their in-box value. And despite all of that, you can’t hit them.

So, what is a parent to do when a child is unruly? Have you considered Spank Kata?

Spank Kata is a martial art developed by an Internet doctor based on the philosophies of mind and body fitness and mutually assured destruction. It will, in no way, physically hurt your child. Practiced regularly, however, it is guaranteed to curb his or her negative behavior before said behavior occurs.

How does Spank Kata work?

The collection of Spank Kata video cassettes will teach you how to control your anger by unleashing it on the SK targets in the comfort of your own home. As you get stronger and your child gets older, you will be able to destroy larger and heavier targets, keeping you always at least one step ahead of your child.

The Intro to Spank Kata Kit includes:

  • Beginning Spank Kata, Volume I video
  • A soft rubber crowbar
  • A Cabbage Patch Doll with Velcro-on head
  • A karate gi with a black belt

Once you progress through the first four volumes (sold separately), you will qualify for the Level Two Kit:

  • Spank Kata 2: Electric Boogaloo
  • A precut phone book
  • A toddler-shaped 20-pound speed bag
  • A police uniform

Afterwards, we will continue to send you additional levels. You don’t have to pay now, we’ll bill you later.

So long as you practice within eyesight of your children, they will know that, should they misbehave, you have the power to hit them into last year … even if you never would.

But, what about when they do misbehave?

That’s the beauty of Spank Kata: it’s not just low impact, it’s NO IMPACT.

That means you can perform it as often as you’d like, even immediately following a childhood offense. And if you’re not at home, then we have you covered with the Spank Kata Travel Kit, which includes:

  • Hand-crushable glasses
  • A robotic puppy with realistic “damage panels”
  • A gun
  • The WWE World Championship Belt

You’ll never find yourself without the means to reinforce good behavior with responsible, non-abusive parenting!

Tell me how to get Spank Kata! Now! Tell me now!

To order the Intro to Spank Kata Kit or request a brochure, send your name, contact information and a valid credit card number or blank check to:

Spank Kata!
P.O. Box 1182
Wilimington, DE 19801

The new you will thank you! Your obedient children might thank you if you allow them to speak.

***This is not a real offer. SeriouslyGuys and Rick Snee are in no way responsible for your stupidity.***

Published by

Rick Snee

Through his writing for SeriouslyGuys, Rick Snee has alternately been accused of being: a liberal, a conservative, three different spellings of "moron," some old grump, a millennial know-nothing and -- on one occasion -- a grave insult to a minor deity in some obscure pantheon (you probably haven't heard of it). Really, he's just one of The Guys, y'know?