Day: September 18, 2009

Ye Missed It: A pirate’s life for ye edition

The wind be shiftin’. Ye can see it in the sails by the yardarm, can’t ye. Aye, that be the stiff wind of Talk Like A Pirate Day. Are ye ready for tomorrow? Ye can be assured your humble captain is, tricorn hat and all. If ye were too busy gaining 30 pounds fer yer new movie, odds are ye missed it.

Condoms be fer sailors
Lancet, a British medicine journal, said climate change could be curbed by givin’ women contraceptives. The argument bein’ that if fewer wenches are having little land lubbers, there be fewer people to pollute. In related news, the Catholic Church hates the envir’nment because it says ye can’t wrap up her anchor in any lagoon.

The power o’ Christ compels ye
Speakin’ o’ Christianity, conservative Christians gathered in Washingt’n, D.C. to protest President Barack Obama’s agenda–not things he has actually done, just things he has talked about doin’. The scurvy dogs say healthcare reform be at the top o’ their list o’ grievances. Because, you know, providin’ fer those in need is not what Christianity be about.

So much fer her happy endin’
After a little over three years o’ marriage, Avril Lavigne and Sum Fahrty-One frontman Deryck Whibley are splittin’. Ye know what this means, the break in the assault on our ears be over, too. Ye can bet as soon as those Canadian bilge pumpers finish dividin’ up the dubloons, they’ll be back makin’ horrible sea shanties.

Cure for blindness not nearly as awesome as citrus fruits

Bah! A tooth? That’s not a cure, that’s simply molly-coddling devices that allow ye to be slobbering with comely wenches! Blindness never impeded any good pirate: they still fight on. Give me two minutes and I could tell you of the blind pirate Soggy Cheesebeard Slappy and how he fought off the 15th Royal British Navy with but a peg leg, a parrot and a bottle of rum.

What’s that? I don’t have one? YARRRGH! Ye be true pillager of me chronal treasures!

Fine then! To be making a long tale a bit smaller, a wench somehow was able to have her looking ability given back to her not by the haunts of the sea, but by a tooth placed in her eye socket. ‘Tis a far too expensive and time-wasting procedure if ye be askin’ me. Simply give her some oranges and limes to fight off the scurvy and she’d be right as rain. YAR!

Gold be where ye find it

If ye've ever bought 'inspirational literature' on tape from a Cracker Barrel, ye might be a retarrrrd.

When Troy West beat an African-American woman in front of her own daughter outside a Crackerrr Barrel, he might have realized while talking to police afterwards that he’s likely in for a world of trouble. Authorities aren’t keen to toleratin’ racism, hitting lasses and bedevilin’ children without Danny Elfman accompaniment.

But, there be a silverrr linin’ on West’s stupid cloud: he’ll never have to eat at a Cracker Barrel ever again.

Admiral Obama be showin’ his true colors!

Yar! We knew that there be a reason for why a landlubber like Barack Obama was voted in as President of the United States of America-and there it be! Why look, he’s clearly holding up a lad while his crew be standing behind him! Look at him earning his bequeathed name of Squinty Fireship Stormwatcher! Why, there’s even some foggy background in the sky behind him. We can only hope that some saucy tunes join The S.S. Blanco, but he avoids comely wenches.

We’ve already seen what happens when admirals be attracted to their charms.

Wait a sea-cow floating minute. What’re ye saying that this be a PR stunt? Ye be saying that it be nothing more than a big dose of chicanery? That it simply be a stunt? Curse my eyes!

Well, he might be skilled with an unreal sword, but be he deft with a blade?

YAR!

Co-Warrior of the Week: Cammie Colin

South Carolina be a little different. There, high school cheerleaders like to hunt alligators in their spare time.

Cammie Colin, 16, is one of those. She recently caught a 10-foot, 350-pound gator. With a crossbow. In a boat. She is Buffy the gator slayer.

This is expected to help Cammie’s school spirit–if you don’t cheer when she says so, damn it, you don’t want her to get her crossbow. She is not a wench to mess with.