Day: September 22, 2009

Eat My Sports: You’ve been warned

After two weeks of NFL football we’ve finally reached a sense of normalcy again in the American sports world. October baseball is on the verge, football is in full swing and McBournie’s love affair with Tom Brady is back in the air.

There are certain things that you can tell early on in the season, and one of these is if a or your team is a complete, unbearable cowpile. In other words, if I mention you in the following paragraphs, NFL franchises, YOU SUCK.

Washington Redskins
Boy, we expected these guys to be bad but this bad? Can someone please explain to me how Jason Campbell got to be the captain of that squad? As the saying goes in the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king. In the Skins’ case they look like they’re blind playing, so I guess Campbell is the best of the worst. Long year Landover, long year.
Side note: When your team gets booed off the field DURING A WIN, it’s time to change directions. Continue reading Eat My Sports: You’ve been warned

Tradition doesn’t always make sense

There are certain traditions every U.S. president must observe.

Every year, they have to pardon a turkey from Thanksgiving, while everyone the turkey loves gets a duck and a chicken stuffed inside of them.

They have to give a State of the Union Address, even though they are only constiutionally required to write it down. (Kinda like people who read their blogs to you.)

They have to pardon Richard Nixon at the end of their term. (Gerald Ford started that one.)

And, of course, they have to restart Mideast peace talks.

Oso close to school

In other bear related news, a bear found near a Florida school caused a lockdown this week. It’s bad enough you have to worry about the enemy coming for you, now they’re after your kids.

The bear did not make any demands during an afternoon standoff with police, but it seemed that the bear had been surveilling the school for quite some time from a dumpster nearby. Unfortunately, the bear was not harmed and managed to get away unscathed, free to stalk other school children.

No bus seat for bear, injures 9 people

Japan may not get The Colbert Report on their tv stations, but even they should know that bears are ruthless killing machines. And despite your best intentions to keep the passengers of your bus safe,  a bus driver endangered the lives of all those in the parking lot when he denied him a seat. Bears do not take kindly to speciesism. They can smell it. That and menstrual blood.

The smartest thing to do would have been to have everyone exit the bus, lock the bear inside the bus and then blow it up. But no, you didn’t do that, and it got worse. The bear then proceeded to take out its rage on a nearby gift shop, where it got itself stuck amongst the nick-nacks sold to gaijin every day. In a fit of rage at the nation that had abandoned it, the bear found itself stuck in the store, and decided to trash it.

Bad move, bear.

A hunter shot the bear dead, protecting the citizens of Japan. He ran off before people could thank him for protecting them, but it was noticed that he seemed to be a foreigner and was wearing a Brooks Brothers suit. We’ve told you before that we’re in a war with animals, Japan, and it seems now was the biggest sign of evidence. What’s it gonna be? Will you continue to be Belgium, or has this become your Pearl Nyukawa?

Head of altered state

If you were the leader of a country, what would you do? Would you be a noble leader? A benevolent dictator? Or would you be a notorious drunk and go on a bender while on foreign trips?

Former Russian Boris Yeltsin chose the latter. According to witnesses who are apparently just now releasing this story, a drunk Yeltsin was on a trip to Washington in 1995 when Secret Service police found him wandering around–at night–in his underwear–trying to get some pizza. Somehow the drunken bear made it past his own embassy’s security. Whoops.

(Thanks Chris!)