Day: September 29, 2009

Eat My Sports: Your 2009 Washington Redskins

Note: I know this looks like yours truly, Bryan McBournie, wrote this, but in fact it was written by Bryan Schools, who is currently chained up in Ben Roethlisberger’s love dungeon. Luckily Big Ben allowed Schools a cell phone to keep himself amused. Rather than calling for help, he wrote this via text message.

Ladies and gentlemen of the D.C. area, you had reason to doubt your Landover football team had reason for concern to begin the season, now you should be in full-blown panic mode! The Lions were bound to beat somebody at some time in their future, and that time came sooner rather later unfortunately for Jim Zorn and Jason Campbell.

The loss to Detroit is an early icing on the cake for a snowball that began in a Week 1 loss to the Giants, but gained an enormous amount of steam after an embarrasing win against the Rams. Notice, the Redskins are probably the only team in the league who can have the word “embarrasing” attached to a win. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Your 2009 Washington Redskins

God is on our side?

As a Catholic, this is scary to think about, but the evidence is there just the same: the pope is in league with the animals!

At a speech in Prague, Pope Benedict XVI had a spider crawling on him. It crawled all the way up the Holy Father’s robe and even on to his neck. Allegedly, the pope brushed the spider off, but it was seen riding on his robe as he left a historic church where the speech was made.

Just remember, all you Christians who believe that we shouldn’t hurt animals: God gave us dominion over the animals, and the only reason we’re here and not in Paradise in the first place is because of a snake (well, and a gullible woman).

Well, consider our minds blown

Lucy Vodden, the inspiration for famous Beatles’ song “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” died of Lupus on Monday—

—Wait. “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” wasn’t about LSD? You mean we’ve been dropping acid to a song about a four-year-old little girl that Julian “Hey Jude” Lennon went to school with?

Yeah right. What’s next? That Eric Clapton’s “Tears from Heaven” isn’t a great song for getting laid but about his dead son …?

Oh.

Rock music is so emo.

Have you had your bling today?

A Chicago man has filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s Corporation after he says he swallowed a gold earring in his sandwich. No, this was not a Happy Meal toy.

The plaintiff, Boguslaw Nedza, claims that after he ate the sandwich “the earring became lodged in his throat and stomach and efforts to remove it by emergency personnel were unsuccessful.” What does this mean? It means that Nedza is now suing McDonald’s for the injuries he sustained from ingesting the jewelry. It also means that Nedza probably had to poop out the earring.

Heh, poop.

Among the charges McDonald’s faces is failing to “prepare and serve food in a reasonable safe condition,” and failing to warn Nedza that his food contained “a gold earring with a sharp needle and clasp rending it unfit for consumption.” Because, you know, that’s something they regularly do.

Also, I’m not sure if the name “Boguslaw” is a fake name or not. It could totally go either way.

The evidence is in his pants

A word to the wise: do not screw around with a Walmart loss prevention officer. They know exactly where to look for the goods.

For those that don’t know, shoplifting is essentially just textbook How-to-Lay-Low (Note: SeriouslyGuys does not condone or encourage the cool crime of shoplifting), and the perpetrator’s actions should be just a shade less subtle than what the Duke boys usually did after getting sprung from the Hazzard County Jail.

The accused, Daniel Larson has a heroin habit, and tried to rip off about $120 worth of DS games from the mammoth corporation known as Walmart because Scribblenauts and Just Imagine: Babies have high resell values on the China White market. Theoretically. He might have been able to get out of the county jail using a fake ID (true story according to the article), but to get past a Walmart loss prevention officer? Nosirreebob.

A note: being the most wanted fugitive and getting arrested in a Walmart over what’s in your pants is pretty lame.

You can’t escape Jersey

New Jersey is not a place many people who are not Bruce Springsteen want to live. Aside from being a bit on the dumpy side, there is the ever-present threat of bulls running wild through the streets. At least in Spain they tell you when it’s going to happen.

A 1,400-pound bull (roughly 2,800 Double Quarter Pounders with Cheese) escaped from a slaughterhouse in northern New Jersey and dragged police officers who tried to lasso the beast during its 10-block spree. Not only that, but the bull ran at least one light.

Luckily, no one was injured. The bull was sedated and brought back to the slaughterhouse where it faces the death penalty.