Month: September 2009

The evidence is in his pants

A word to the wise: do not screw around with a Walmart loss prevention officer. They know exactly where to look for the goods.

For those that don’t know, shoplifting is essentially just textbook How-to-Lay-Low (Note: SeriouslyGuys does not condone or encourage the cool crime of shoplifting), and the perpetrator’s actions should be just a shade less subtle than what the Duke boys usually did after getting sprung from the Hazzard County Jail.

The accused, Daniel Larson has a heroin habit, and tried to rip off about $120 worth of DS games from the mammoth corporation known as Walmart because Scribblenauts and Just Imagine: Babies have high resell values on the China White market. Theoretically. He might have been able to get out of the county jail using a fake ID (true story according to the article), but to get past a Walmart loss prevention officer? Nosirreebob.

A note: being the most wanted fugitive and getting arrested in a Walmart over what’s in your pants is pretty lame.

You can’t escape Jersey

New Jersey is not a place many people who are not Bruce Springsteen want to live. Aside from being a bit on the dumpy side, there is the ever-present threat of bulls running wild through the streets. At least in Spain they tell you when it’s going to happen.

A 1,400-pound bull (roughly 2,800 Double Quarter Pounders with Cheese) escaped from a slaughterhouse in northern New Jersey and dragged police officers who tried to lasso the beast during its 10-block spree. Not only that, but the bull ran at least one light.

Luckily, no one was injured. The bull was sedated and brought back to the slaughterhouse where it faces the death penalty.

The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1980-1989)

For an entire generation, the 1980s was a blur. It was a blur because so many were lost in these new-fangled “games of the video,” while still others have tried as best as they can to block out this decade because they had a really, really bad haircut. We’re talking Flock of Seagulls bad.

This generation is called The Lost Generation, because even those that survived the decade had lost something deep down inside of them. That missing piece was something they knew they would never get back. It was much like the generation that fought World War I, only rather than seeing thousands killed by the machine gun, The Lost Generation had to deal with smiley faces.

Check your Swatch, hang up your car phone and hit the jump. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1980-1989)

Bear Whisperer discovered?

That was the potential bear whisperer's previous offense.Doctors at an undisclosed San Francisco hospital are evaluating the mental abilities of a man who survived jumping into the grizzly bear pen at the city’s Zoo.

Police described the 21-year-old man as a transient, a recluse with a record of warning people that they were getting too close, presumably by standing on his rear feet. And when he jumped into the grizzly display, the bears merely approached him and sniffed him, almost as if he were one of their own!

It’s clear what’s going on. Science may have discovered the first bear whisperer in recent history. The question is, whose side is he on?

We hope the doctors in San Francisco can find out for certain.

Dinosaur with feathers turns out to be more delicious than anticipated

A dinosaur that lived between 160 and 151 million years ago could be the missing link between birds and dinosaurs. Scientists in Beijing announced that a four-winged creature called Anchiornis huxleyi could finally prove birds are descended from dinosaurs. Allow SG to put this in different terms for understanding purposes:

–Scientific viewpoint: This offers new data into the evolution of feathers as well: for the first time, we have fossil evidence of feathers as being merely elongated scales. The feathers here are symmetrical and blunted-ended, rather than the slightly asymmetrical and pointer proto-feather we see in Microraptor and Archeopteryx (and modern birds). It is rather interesting that the longest feathers of Anchiornis‘ wing come close to its body, rather than further down its limbs. This is more the configuration of modern birds, rather than the expected formation of other known paravians. All of which suggests that the development of flight took place in a rapidly evolving world of paravians, with many different variations on the theme and many side-branches of evolution along the way. Very fascinating discovery.

–Bible thumper viewpoint: Remember that one fast food joint mentioned in the Book of Paul? Jesus Fried Chicken? Popular place until the Italians decided they wanted pasta to reign supreme.

A brain is a terrible thing to waste

The Guys don’t recommend drinking and driving, but we do recommend drinking and getting someone else do drive you. And now, science backs us up.

According to a recent study, if you are in an accident and have head trauma, you are less likely to have brain damage if you have a buzz going. This means that you have medically provable reason to do shots riding shotgun, or on a plane, or while operating heavy machinery.

Go forth, drunken masses!

You Missed It: Walking is out edition

It’s here. Fall. Yes, it is in fact official. Some people love it, they say that they enjoy the milder temperatures and the bright, beautiful colors the leaves turn as the winter goes on. These people, of course, are Alzheimer’s patients. They forget the constant rains, the leaf raking, and oh yeah, and the sense of doom because WINTER is just a few months away. If you were busy denying the Holocaust this week, odds are you missed it.

We’re going to have to re-think cities!
On the heels of the Segway and that weird thing that GM and Segway made, Honda has released a new mode of personal transportation. And no, it’s not on the back of one of those robot things. It’s a unicycle type thing with the catchy name U3-X. Just hop on and guide it whereever you want. In other news, a barstool that drives you home might be the greatest investion ever.

Well, there go all the drug jokes
Actress Mackenzie Phillips shocked the world this week in an interview with Oprah when she admitted to having sex with her rock star father John Phillips for 10 years–while she was married. In other news, the Mamas and the Papas just takes on a weirder name now, doesn’t it?

Better late than never
As of this week, iPhone users will be able to send Media Messaging Service (MMS) messages. You may know these things as picture messages, video messages and sound bite messages. Welcome to 2004, iWhores, we’ve been waiting to show you this picture we took of this dude who was passed out drunk in a chair with market all over his face.

Back to the old drawing board …

"Allow me to introduce myself: Wyle E. Coyote, sexual genius."The list of ways to have sex with ladies without getting them pregnant is now one method shorter. It appears that women can get pregnant again when they’re already pregnant, so don’t believe all the hype on that fetish.

Fortunately, that still leaves:

  • Anal
  • Oral
  • Post-menopausal women
  • Condoms (though only 99.9 percent effective and everyone reading this must be exceptional)
  • Being a lesbian
  • Painting a second egg on the uterine wall, causing your sperm to crash headlong into it instead of fertilizing the real egg

Law enforcement, Mississippi style

This are different is Mississippi. While the police there have to deal with crime, proverty and the ravages of scurvy, they also have to deal with emus.

Apparently, emus run wild in the state, and harass drivers on Interstate 20. Well, they did anyway. Police took down one emu in Scott County who refused to get off the roadway. The emu was so stubborn that it had to be shocked with a Taser and handcuffed.

The emu was then “taken in for questioning.” Yeah, questioned by a nightstick.