MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Messengers’
Posted on October 1, 2009
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It’s October, and you know what that means: it’s time to watch some horror movies. Here at MasterChugs Theater, we pride ourselves on telling you what’s good, and darling, we’ve told you a whole lot of good movies. But you know what we haven’t told you about lately? Bad horror movies. And boy oh boy, are there are a lot of those. As such, we’ll going to change up the format and explore some of these travesties against the genre. First up: The Messengers.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorWarrior of the Week: Simon Hughes
Posted on October 1, 2009
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Are to tired of feeling like you are a real man? As if Cammie Colin, the 16-year old cheerleader who killed an alligator with a bow and arrow wasn’t enough, we humbly submit Simon Hughes, 5, who brought down a 12 1/2-foot, 800-pound alligator. (Nearly a record size in Texas.)
Simon used a gun. In some states, a five-year old with a gun might raise some red flags, but in Texas, it’s perfectly acceptable. The kid has been shooting since he was four, so you know he’s experienced and responsible and all that.
If Simon is killing members of Al-Igator, shouldn’t you be doing more to fight animals, girly man?
Written by Bryan McBournieAnd cue the Downfall parody in 3, 2, 1 …
Posted on October 1, 2009
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Scientists have discovered that the real owner of the famed Fuhrer’s skull is actually female, making everyone ask:
Wait for it.
Keep waiting.
DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMM! What really happened to Hitler?
DNA analysis on the skull fragment thought to belong to one Adolf Hitler performed at the University of Connecticut has proven that it came from a female aged anywhere between 20 and 40 years of age, despite being found in what was believed to be Hitler’s grave.
What was previously believed to be Hitler’s corpse was cremated by the KGB in 1970, meaning that there’s no real way of verifying whether this skull fragment was simply misidentified or whether the corpse, in fact, didn’t belong to Hitler in the first place. But with the skull fragmented and thus discredited, let the conspiracy theorists run wild!
Conspiracy theory number 1: Hitler was actually Girl Hitler.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorFriends don’t let friends buy Saturn
Posted on October 1, 2009
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GM announced on Wednesday that it will shut down their Saturn line. The decision was made after Saturn’s potential buyer, Penske Automotive Group, came to their senses after this alleged conversation with their friends:
Written by Rick SneePenske: So, I’m seriously thinking about buying a new car.
Friend: Yeah? What kind?
Penske: A Saturn.
Friend: A … Saturn? Really? Why?
Penske: Well, they’ve been having trouble lately and it’s important to buy American … auto industry failing … Detroit … Lions embarassment to football and whatever the Redskins play …
Friend: You know there are other American car brands out there? You know that, right? That aren’t Saturn?
Penske: Yeah … it was just, you know, an idea …
The war on twanimals
Posted on October 1, 2009
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Twitter, it’s one of the most questionably popular sites on the Series of Tubes today. There are countless humans on there. The animals know this, that’s why they plan to have gorillas in Uganda tweet, thus endearing the ferocious beasts in our hearts.
Folks, we need to get twanimals off of Twitter. Tweeting is for humans only, save that “anyone can join, regardless of species” crap for Facebook.
Written by Bryan McBournie