You Missed It: Dem bones edition

Posted on October 2, 2009
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It’s October. That means it’s time for Octoberfest. It also means time for playoff baseball and football is just starting to get interesting. For those reasons I am significantly more comfortable now with the fact that summer is over. I still wear my Speedo around the house, though. If you were busy running from one natural disaster or another this week, odds are you missed it.

Look what we found
It’s been a tough week for Lucy, the oldest known human ancestor skeleton. First, Lucy of the Beatles song “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” dies (the song was playing on the radio when archaeologists discovered Lucy, hence her name), now she’s not even the oldest skeleton anymore. Scientists went public this week with the discovery of Ardi, who is 1.2 million years older than Lucy. She is also named after a Beatles song, though. “Ob Ardi, Ob Arda” was playing on the radio when she was found.

Keep your Worldwide Pants on
David Letterman shocked his audience last night when he announced he was the victim of an extortion attempt. He said about three weeks ago he got a package saying if he did not pay up, the person would make his sexual trysts with show employees known. According to reports, the extortion letter also included the Top Ten reasons why he should pay $2 million.

You have been poked by federal investigators
The U.S. Secret Service determined this week that a Facebook poll asking if President Barack Obama should be killed did not pose a threat to the president. Instead, the federal agency just found it as annoying as every other poll, quiz and game your friends try to send you on Facebook.

Written by Bryan McBournie

Another America?

Posted on October 2, 2009
Filed Under Regular Post | 10 Comments |

OK, so we’ve been quiet about President Obama’s plan to bring the 2016 (that’s pronounced “twenty-sixteen”) Olympics to Chicago, Illinois. We didn’t want to jinx it, and to be honest, Chicago’s not very good at shaking off curses.

But despite our tight-lipped efforts, Rio de Janeiro stole them from us!

We don’t blame the International Olympics Committee because we believe they were deliberately confused by that Portuguese-speaking, Amazon-bearing, cancer-curing anaconda pit that Brazilians call a country.

Knowing that the IOC wanted to give the Olympics to an American city, Rio presented themselves this way:

You know what? We don’t even care about the Olympics anymore. You can have them, Rio.

(Hey, IOC! Did you hear Brazil’s trying to build nuclear weapons?)

Written by Rick Snee

No bootleg Pulitzer for you!

Posted on October 2, 2009
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Travesty!

Horror!

Shock!

In a move that is clearly unjust and just … just … mean, JK Rowling has been turned down for the Presidential Medal of Freedom. The indignity! Didn’t the former presidential office of the United States of America realize just how much of an American treasure that this British woman is? Clearly not.

Sadly, she only has her buckets and buckets of millions to console herself with.

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

It’s OK to say no

Posted on October 2, 2009
Filed Under Regular Post | 2 Comments |

Hey girls, we need to have a little chat. The Guys know what it’s like to be a teenager, we know it’s tough, and we also know you want to do anything for the boys to like you. We were the same way once–well, you know what we mean.

But it’s important for you to know that you shouldn’t hide a gun for a boy even though he asked you to. You don’t always have to say yes, especially when it comes to firearms. So, in review, have some self-respect. Don’t hide guns for a dude–unless he’s really cute.

Written by Bryan McBournie

Well thank God for Tim Tebow

Posted on October 2, 2009
Filed Under Zombies | 2 Comments |

The University of Florida has made great strides these past few years. From winning four national championships between basketball and baseball, to Tim Tebow reminding us that scripture can be painted underneath our eyes, to preparing for a zombie attack?

That’s right fans of Zombieland! The Gators are preparing themselves to be able to handle all kinds of natural disasters, including attacks by the flesh-eating undead. And you thought your Harvard degree had you sooooo prepared for the real world.

Written by Bryan Schools