Day: October 21, 2009

Take it from Snee: Dickens couldn’t take this

Not Another Christmas Carole would make a great Wayans movie ... for a Wayans movie.When it comes to movies, I can see where I come across as a bit of a jerk. In the past, I’ve accused Roland Emmerich of international terrorism (twice), Harry Potter movies of insidious Britishness and Michael Bay of not understanding the sounds and shapes that make up the world as we know it.

So, yeah, maybe I’m equal parts film alarmist and snob. And you know what? I’m trying to become a better man.

But, then I have to sit through previews for:

  • Another remake of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol.
  • Another unsettling motion capture flick from Robert Zemekis.
  • Jim Carrey embracing his inner Eddie Murphy … and Eddie Murphy … and Eddie Murphy.

All in one movie. (F#%k off, self-improvement.)

That’s right, coming this November, the worst elements of modern film, brought to you by the most repetitive actor in comedy and Disney are going to force you to sit through Charles Dickens’ most boring morality tale, yet. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Dickens couldn’t take this

That’s ‘famous titles‘

Whoever she is, she doesn't show up in any searches for Miss California USA.In the “can’t make this s#%t up” department, we catch back up with former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean. We hate to sound like total boobs, but we haven’t really kept abreast of her situation since we heard she was fired for breaching her contract.

However, the Miss California USA pageant officials are demanding that she pay back the loan they gave her for breast implants to make her “competitive in the national pageant [Miss USA] in April.” (Classy.)

The pageant’s renumeration demand is in response to a lawsuit by Prejean against the organization for publicly revealing the implants she didn’t have when she revealed herself in nude photos when she was allegedly 17. (Even classier.)

Yep, it’s just another high-watermark in classiness from two parties who believe–for some reason–that they are role models for young women.

But wait, there’s more!

Science fiction fans everywhere yelled a collective “SQUEE!!!!” when it was recently announced that there’s more than just what we previously thought about space. I, for one, would like to welcome our rocket cycle-racing masters from Rigel.

Thanks to a modified Chilean telescope, 32 exoplanets have been discovered outside of our solar system. These planets have yet to be named, but we at SG suspect that they’ll probably be named along the lines of Gangster Planet, Dinosaur Planet, Nazi Planet, Ancient Rome Planet and Old West Planet.

Now, for all the misanthropes who would like to be the first on the next series of colony missions, keep in mind that we can’t successfully build a working bio dome on a planet with a stable atmosphere and have yet to colonize our closest planetary neighbor.

Of course, the definitive question is not how many of them that we have discovered, but how many of them have already discovered us (and the insides of our rectums via their ka-razy alien probes)?

Jurassic corn

Usually, we take our corn for granted. It’s yellow, it grows on a stalk, and it tastes good with butter and salt. It’s really not a big deal. But in Mexico, corn is a big deal.

Greenpeace held a protest in Mexico City against genetically-modified corn. We don’t normally–or ever–agree with Greenpeace, but in this case, we have to. Haven’t you read “Jurassic Park?” Sure you can make genetically-modified corn as a tourist attraction, but nature finds a way. Eventually, the corn will be able to change genders, and start procreating and eventually take over the island.

It’s chaos theory.

Go for 1,000!!!

When roaming around on this thing that Al Gore invented, we used to be shocked by stories of really, really, ridiculously fat people. Not so much anymore, it takes a special kind of fat to strike us these days, and my friends, I found it.

England’s Paul Mason is a 980-pound masterpiece that consumes 20,000 calories a day and costs taxpayers roughly $165,000 … a year (we’re not sure what it is in pounds, BA-ZING!). But now after years of eating feelings in the form of probably fried foods, Mason wants a $33,000 surgery to save his life, while the cost of the ambulance to get him to the surgery is nearly three times as much. All courtesy of the fog-breathers tax dollars.

We here at SG say screw it. If Mason were 900-pounds, it would be a different story. But Mason has a chance to become the world’s only 1,000-pound man. You’ve got to be remembered for something, right?