Day: October 23, 2009

You Missed It: Caught in a pickle edition

Sometimes at the end of the week I find it hard to concentrate. But this Friday is harder than most. You see, I was at one of those Windows 7 launch parties last night, and let me tell you, it was wild. I am so hung over I am considering never drinking and downloading an operating system ever again. Let’s just say my stomach has uploaded several times. If you were busy flying past your airport this week, odds are you missed it.

The only baseball suspension that doesn’t involve steroids
Steve Phillips works at ESPN’s “Baseball Tonight,” but baseball wasn’t the only night activity he had, and now it’s lead to his suspension. Phillips, 46, had an affair with Brooke Hundley, a 22-year old coworker. It wasn’t even his first affair, but what happened this time was he had the mistake of dating a crazy person who left angry notes on his front door and put an ad on Craigslist offering $50 to harass his wife. Getting called out at home is never fun.

Earhart is still missing
The movie Amelia opens today, amid less than stellar reviews. Critics say the lines are terrible, there is little character development, and the dude who plays Amelia Earhart doesn’t even look like her. Personally, I’d like to see Charles Lindbergh’s life get made into a movie. Not only is there a kidnapping, but there are Nazis, too!

Bada-bing
A Sicilian builder serving a term on house arrest for dumping hazardous waste asked to be transferred back to prison to finish the rest of his sentence in prison. The reason: he wanted to get away from arguments with his wife. I–I don’t know what to say. There’s no punchline for this one. It really happened.

Republican celebs embrace third-party ghetto

She might be the best thing to ever happen to abortion.You know the media and losing party are still suffering from post-election depression when they make a big deal out of a congressional election in New York. The Guys are normally better than this, too, but the stupid is too strong to ignore.

Sarah Palin–like you didn’t see that coming–and Rick Santorum have announced their endorsements for the 23rd District Representative race. They’re not for the Republican candidate for 23rd District Representative, Dede Scozzafava, but for the Conservative Party candidate, Doug Hoffman.

So, this is where the leaders of the Republican Party are at: endorsing third-party candidates when their front-runner is pro-choice. You know, the same mentality that cost every Democratic nominee their election when hippies couldn’t compromise on environmental issues, socialism and whatever a Dennis Kucinich does.

So, thanks for the laughs and the coffee–an afternoon rush of Schadenfreude Espresso.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it your daily shameful joy.

Wildlife criminals round up

Oh, you thought we were done with the animal news earlier? My friend, those that would attempt to harm the human race come in more than just the carnivore flavor.

A creation of mankind (because the donkey and the zebra sure as shoot ain’t gonna breed themselves), the zonkey, decided to rear its ugly head and take a bite out of crime.

And by crime, I mean the foot of painter James Oleson. Which actually makes the hybrid beast the criminal. Why did it do so? Probably because it’s an animal and would kill you if it had the chance.

Of course, we’re not done yet. A New China restaurant in Middletown, Pennsylvania, had to close for the day because a male deer jumped through the window, leaving many biohazards in the eatery and damaging valuable equipment. Sadly, this is not the first time that this has happened to the restaurant (premeditated assault, anyone?). Luckily though, no one was inside.

There is some good news for that story.

The deer did not survive the ordeal. Middletown police shot and killed the animal.

Police indeed found the deer and delivered the most beautiful form of justice possible-that of the swift variety.

No one foresaw this?

You should all be aware of just how deep into the War on Animals that we really are. 300 gazillion years after man stands upright and animals still haven’t learned to be totally obedient to us.

So when a man puts ice skates on a bear and forces it to skate on the ice, is it really any surprise that he was killed by said bear?

People, learn from this individual’s mistake: shoot all animals on sight. A double tap never hurt nobody.

And ‘Black or White’ was about zebras

Jane Goodall, who we all know as a famous monkey-lover, is now claiming that Michael Jackson’s song “Heal the World” was about chimpanzees, specifically, how we were successfully killing them and burning down their natural habitat.

Again trying to cash in on Jackson’s dead coattails, Goodall said she spoke with Jackson personally about the song, and that she later met Bubbles, who also happened to be Jackson’s chimpanzee and suspected lover. She has even visited Bubbles at his retirement home in Florida, where he currently sits on death row.