Eat My Sports: Grab bag

Posted on October 27, 2009
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Welcome back SeriouslyReaders, I’m pumped up this week, and not just from my new hitting instructor. I’m moving this week, which basically means my life is scattered between two places, boxed up in different corners and having me bribe people with beer to help me move my crap. So needless to say, I’m a little scatterbrained, and lucky for you, so has sports this past week.

There’s been a lot on the plate, so I’m going to give you the stories, and you’re just going to shut up and take it (see kids, I’ve adopted the Dan Snyder philosophy, I will forcibly make you put up with my bull####!!!).

Cashing in
In case you haven’t heard, the New York Yankees have succesfuly bought themselves a trip back to the Fall Classic for the first time since 2003. Their near half a billion dollar off season has paid big dividends and A-Rod has finally realized that it’s OK to hit the ball somewhere other than to an infielder playing in during October.

From all of us here at SG, GO PHILLIES!!!

NBA is back, and less interesting than ever
Hey look, Shaq playing second fiddle and riding someone else’s coattails to a championship, weird?!

Hey look, a bunch of stars in the twilight of their careers in Boston with overexposed media hype, who knew?

Hey look, a former accused rapist, a European who looks like Big Bird, a guy who married the fattest Kardashian with Ron “Who, Me?” Artest pegged as the best team in the league, there’s no way this is going to implode!

Hey look, the Knicks tanking another season in futile hopes of getting LeBron James. This is the equivalent of a 15-year-old staying abstinent for when he meets Megan Fox. This is totally going to work!

To save you more of my basketball bitterness, Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Los Angeles Lakers of Anaheim in the NBA Finals in five games as Ron Artest swings the series when he attacks Shaqs mom in the stands.

Favre TAINTed, Simmons annointed
My Bill Simmons plug for the week. Brett Favre tuned up for his homecoming by having a hand in both defensive touchdowns that led to a 27-17 loss at Pittsburgh this weekend. Favre’s TAINT (my favorite sports acronym, thank you, Simmons, means touchdown after interception) killed more late game heroics that would’ve had Minnesota undefeated heading back to that place with the cheese.

Simmons’ “The Book of Basketball” comes out this week. If you want coherent sports rants, the attention span of a crackhead with ADHD and enough random pop-culture references to make you wonder how this guy EVER got a job at ESPN, much less a wife, read it.

Top five games you can bet on this week:
5.Denver Broncos (+3.5) over Baltimore Ravens
You seriously bought into those creampuff wins the Ravens had?
4. Minnesota Vikings(+3) over Green Bay Packers
Favre Bowl II, this is like getting married, divorced, re-married, then having your current spouses fight with you in a tagteam wrestling event of the non-Cinemax quality.
3. Arizona Cardinals (-10) over Carolina Panthers
Daylight come and me wanna Delhomme.
2. Detroit Lions (pick ‘em) over St. Louis Rams
If this isn’t the FOX game of the week, I will never watch the NFL again, NFC Championship 3011 preview!
1. Houston Texans (-3.5) over Buffalo Bills
Buffalo has the football capacity of a drunk college kid playing Madden.
Last week: 2-2-1
The season: 16-13-1

SeriouslyLions ’09
Change you can believe in
Bye week
Schools and McBournie needed to complete the Kardashian/sortof sports star dating family.

SeriouslyPowerRankings
5. Minnesota Vikings (6-1)
One loss doesn’t define a season, but one loveboat cruise…
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)
Somewhere John Madden is talking to himself saying “You know, sometimes, defensive touchdowns are a good thing.”
3. Denver Broncos (6-0)
Yeah Chicago, that off-season move was clearly what you needed to become a contender.
2. Indianapolis Colts (6-0)
This is the best Colts team I have ever seen, and that includes the year Peyton Manning yelled “CUT THAT MEAT!!!”
1.New Orleans Saints (6-0)
Congratulations Miami! Your quarterbacks since passing over a “washed up” Drew Brees include Daunte Culpepper, Chad Pennington, Chad Henne and Trent Green!