The McBournie Minute: Don’t let Tiger Woods drive the golf cart

Posted on November 30, 2009
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Welcome back, everyone. Hope both of you had a great Thanksgiving. I can’t speak for the rest of The Guys, but as much as I enjoyed a little time to relax, I missed being able to write–so much so that my fingers are rusty. I mean that metaphorically, of course.

No one’s really talking about it at the moment, but I hear tell that Tiger Woods, who you may know is a professional golfer, and pretty good, at that, got in a car accident outside his home while we were gone. What we do know is that it happened in the wee hours of the night, when nothing but arrests and pregnancies happen. We know that Woods was leaving his house when he hit a fire hydrant, which probably made an awesome geyser like you see in movie car chases. We know he hit a tree head on. We know that at some point the driver’s side window was broken.

We know that this isn’t the first time Tiger’s drive has gone off course and gotten him in a pickle. What? No more golf jokes? Fine. Read more

Written by Bryan McBournie

Which means they should serve jury duty for us

Posted on November 30, 2009
Filed Under Scurry to the Capitol, Too Soon? | Leave a Comment |

Fortunately for Teddy, none of the other candidates are named Jacob. Ever since Ted Kennedy bowed out of the health care debate due to a pre-existing condition, four candidates in Massachusetts are trying to out lib each other to replace him.

In the latest effort for each to paint the other three as downright gunsmoking fascists, three of them said they support lowering the voting age from 18 to 17.

If this happens, the percentage of sober voters is expected to triple. However, the candidates will have shot themselves in the foot if Kennedy returns from the dead.

Written by Rick Snee

Would you pass the placenta?

Posted on November 30, 2009
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Think your turkey day was tough? Why don’t you try to cook the turkey AND deliver your grandchild. Don’t be fooled, though this story takes place in Boston, the headline is a little West Virginiaish.

Written by Bryan Schools

Finally, research we can get behind

Posted on November 30, 2009
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Or, possibly in front of.

Why do we give you a bunch of attention, mothers of the internet? Is it because you’ve got enormous breasts (ma-ma), or is it because breastfeeding may be vital to a child’s development?

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

No new minuets!

Posted on November 30, 2009
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Muslim countries are not typically known for their love of dancing, that title is normally reserved for Western countries with access to drugs that make it possible for everyone to dance. However, the Swiss are tired of the minuets, and are in fact proposing a ban of the 17th century music and the dance that accompanies it.

What’s more mysterious than why the Swiss suddenly don’t want any new minuets written is why this is apparently going to cause tensions with Muslim countries. They claim that minuets could “serve the interests of extremist circles.”

This means that al Qaeda members may now be more easily spotted. Watch out for the powdered wigs.

Written by Bryan McBournie

You Missed It: I’ve got a wooden stake edition

Posted on November 20, 2009
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We are now less than a week away from Thanksgiving, and that means that you probably don’t care about us. You’re more focused on the feast ahead. We hear you. That’s why The Guys will be off until November 30. It’s better this way, there probably won’t be much going on in the news next week, anyway. If you were busy setting a record for longest-serving member of Congress, odds are you missed it.

Nosferatu = sexy
New Moon is out in theaters now, much to the delight of tween girls and cougars alike. The movie features that non-vampire chick with the cute vampire dude defending her from werewolves, and takes place during the day for some reason. (I missed most of the trailer.) So teenage girls are now into pasty guys who don’t get out much? Man, I graduated from high school a decade too early.

Straying from ideals? We don’t take kindly to that in the GOP
Lawmakers in South Carolina are looking into impeachment of Gov. Mark Sanford. For those of you who don’t remember, he’s the guy who went missing on the job and exported a mistress job to Argentina. The reason for the possible impeachment, dereliction of duty, making his staff lie about where he was, and crying during his apology.

Obamacare’s pubic option
This week changes to breast cancer screening and pap test guidelines caused something of an uproar. Lady part doctors and advocacy groups said that women should continue having their hoo-has and goodies checked regularly so their ladies and their nether region don’t get sick. I don’t understand a word of that medical mumbo jumbo.

Written by Bryan McBournie

Say it ain’t soprah!

Posted on November 20, 2009
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Oprah Winfrey kicked off her farewell tour, announcing that she will end her show in September 2011.

Why then? Because she feels that “it’s time.” Or, because it’ll be the 25th season, which will make all the documentaries and retrospectives easier to caption. And the historians (*snicker*) that pore over her work will refer to it as her quarter of a century.

But still, why, Oprah? What will we do? How will he get enough Oprah in our lives with only your magazine, upcoming cable network, spin-offs featuring fake experts and every other Obama news story? How!? Why?! Gayle?!?!

In other news:
You’ve spent 25 years with Oprah. How’s about you get a job now?

Written by Rick Snee

Keep those panic hats on

Posted on November 20, 2009
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The scariest food news to hit the country gets even worse. Leggo my frozen bachelor grub, lack of waffles.

Kellogg’s, which manufactures Eggo frozen waffles, blames the nationwide shortage on flooding that hit an Atlanta processing facility in September.

The shortage will most likely be in effect through the middle of next year, the company says.

“The Eggo team is working around the clock to bring everyone’s favorite waffles back to store shelves as quickly as possible. We hope to regain full distribution of Eggo products by the middle of 2010,” the company says on the Eggo Web site. “This is a top priority for Kellogg Company.”

In addition to the Georgia flooding, Kellogg’s says “equipment enhancements and repairs in our largest waffle bakery” contributed to the shortage.

With the loss of canned pumpkin and now the loss of Eggo waffles, we can officially put ourselves on THREAT LEVEL: FOODA.

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Robot insects are coming to spy on you

Posted on November 20, 2009
Filed Under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |

You think we’re making this whole “War on Animals” thing up? We’re not. We are just connecting the dots for you, not so much like Glenn Beck, because we don’t get all weepy, but more like Lou Dobbs, because we stand firm in our anti-animal beliefs.

Then this s&$% happens.

Discovery News tells us in this far-too-brief blog post that the military is creating cyborg beetles to act as spies. And yes, that is the greatest sentence ever written, thank you for asking. Cyborg. Beetles. Scientists can now control the flight of some beetles with electrodes stimulating the bug’s brain. OK, that’s the greatest sentence ever written.

Written by Bryan McBournie