MasterChugs Theater: ‘Trick ‘r Treat’
Posted on November 5, 2009
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The roughest part of keeping up with a theme is that sometimes, you have to miss out on the opportune time for somethings. Case in point: last month, I went over horror movies that just failed at many levels. Unfortunately, towards the end of last month, Trick ‘r Treat was finally released on dvd. This is bad because while the movies I reviewed last month fail, Trick ‘r Treat couldn’t be farther from them.
Hit the jump to see why. Read more
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorEnemy of our enemy still our enemy
Posted on November 5, 2009
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For a Web site, we’re fighting a lot of wars. There’s the War on Animals, the War on Education, the War on Aliens (a.k.a. weatherballoons) and our national pasttime, the War on Terror.
It was only natural that they would eventually overlap like when a bear killed two Hizbul Mujaheedin in Kashmir that had hidden in its cave.
Nice try, bears. Those guys weren’t even the “kill America” variety, though part of the larger Taliban network in Pakistan and Afghanistan. For all we know, you only killed them to hide your own WMD (Weapons of Man’s Destruction) labs.
Moreover, two terrorists doesn’t make us jake one bit. Bring us the snuffled and honey-soaked head of Osama Bin Laden, though, and we’ll talk.
Until then, the enemy of our enemy is still our enemy.
Written by Rick SneePsychological warfare (on animals)
Posted on November 5, 2009
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What do sea lions and Hitler have in common? They are both our enemies, and we have their brains inside a jar so we can study them.
Science is now studying the brain of the California sea lion, so that we can better understand how our foe’s mind works. In fact, we have now mapped the sea lion’s brain. Not surprisingly, most of its thoughts are about eating toddlers, followed closely by thoughts of kelp.
More importantly, we now have the ability to see what chemicals we can put in the water to mess with their heads, even kill them. Science marches on!
Written by Bryan McBournieJust think of it as a complimentary bonus
Posted on November 5, 2009
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It’s hard enough as it is to get the kids to eat their salad. But Tracy Grimes will have an even tougher time getting her 4 and 8 year-old kids to nibble their greens after she found a tree frog in a bag of romaine lettuce she bought from a Kroger supermarket in Michigan recently.
Grimes decided to keep the frog (still in the bag of lettuce, mind you) for three days in the garage, stored in a paper bag. While the children wanted to keep the frog as a pet, the family released it into their backyard. Kroger spokesman Dale Hollandsworth offered the Grimes family an apology and said the store would replace the romaine lettuce. He offered his backyard pond as a potential home for the frog.
We here at SG can only hope that the backyard pond is full of acid. Stop trying to infiltrate our food, animals! We’ll eat you when we’re good and ready!
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorAmericans love watching people go around in circles
Posted on November 5, 2009
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The Olympics are coming up. Only for some reason, they’re having them in the winter. What’s worse, they’re being held in Vancouver, Canada.
But not every team will get to go to these alleged “winter games,” unless they get help from the followers of a show on Comedy Central (which is also how it worked in ancient Greece). The U.S. Speed Skating team was sponsored by DSB Bank, which is based in the Netherlands, somewhere near the Dutch. Then the bank went belly-up.
Stephen Colbert and his followers, the Colbert Nation, came to the rescue. Lead by their namesake, the Colbert Nation have put up thousands of dollars to send our boys and girls all the way to Vancouver, which I believe is a matter of miles north of Seattle.
In unrelated news, The Guys are forming a curling team, and we need money.
Written by Bryan McBournie