You Missed It: Post-off-off-election Edition
Posted on November 6, 2009
Filed Under You Missed It | Leave a Comment |
Bryan McBournie missed You Missed It this week to visit Glenn Beck as he recovers from his removed appendix. I tried to tell him that it was simple outpatient surgery, but he insisted, carrying flowers and a special embroidered pillow with him. He also muttered a lot, but that could have been the booze talking.
Anyway, if you were busy banking your political clout on a lifeless third-party accountant, odds are You Missed It.
Other people finally love A-Rod
The Yankees won the World Series, proving that if you throw enough money at a problem, year after year after year, and finally build a stadium more conducive to home runs, you can finally solve it.
Won’t buy with a little help from our friends
The Beatles released the first digital recordings of their songs on an apple-shaped USB drive as an obvious jab at “that other Apple” that still isn’t allowed to sell them on iTunes. I’d go into further detail, but we’re busy listening to our pirated mp3′s that were sub-delivered by the Blue Meanies.
We’ll be surprised if it lives past infancy
And in health news, the House of Representatives is poised to vote on a health care reform bill this weekend. The legislation has endured several rewrites, hilariously named protests, bizarre comparisons to the Bible and several toner replacements just to print it. If passed, it will move on to the Senate, where they will add provisions for serious health issues like celebrity dog museums, anti-weather balloon countermeasures and an Oxygen Bar in the Congressional cafeteria.
Someone gives a s#%t about bumper stickers
Posted on November 6, 2009
Filed Under Scurry (Politics) | Leave a Comment |
Every election year, millions of people put candidate bumper stickers on their cars. And, for the most part, nobody notices until some McCainiac cuts you off or the sticker’s hilariously outdated.
Good news, though! Somebody is actually paying attention to what you put on your car: politicians.
“During long campaign swings in Virginia’s recent gubernatorial campaign, Bob McDonnell’s staff would count the cars that sported both Obama and McDonnell bumper stickers.”
Congratulations! You’ve made yourself heard … as yet another highway statistic.
Written by Rick SneeMerlot flavored slurpee not available for press
Posted on November 6, 2009
Filed Under Booze News | Leave a Comment |
The home of the Slurpee and the Big Gulp is launching a line of value-priced wines targeting consumers looking for a boozy bargain during these tough economic times. 7-Eleven plans to sell a $3.99 Cabernet Sauvignon and a Chardonnay under the proprietary “Yosemite Road” label at its stores in the United States and Japan.
The world’s third-largest winemaker (the Wine Group in California, which also makes Corbett Canyon and Glen Ellen wines) will produce the two wines for the convenience store chain.Wine for not so connoisseur nose is all fine and good, but the question that’s really on everyone’s mind is when are they going to make a 7-Eleven label MD 20/20?
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorIt’s only a matter of time before the H1N1cat catches on
Posted on November 6, 2009
Filed Under Headline of the Day, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
For months we have blamed Mexican farmers having intercourse with their pigs (or cerdos) as the cause of swine flu. But did you know that H1N1, or whatever it’s calling itself these days, is really a combination of swine flu and avian flu? What’s more, it originated right here in the U.S. of A.
But where did it come from? Obviously, it was a plot from the animals to kill us all, but how did they get it to us? We may have just found out it was a cleverer conspiracy than we ever imagined: house pets. No, your goldfish isn’t going to get you sick, but your cat might. In fact, one cat was recently diagnosed with H1N1.
Perhaps cats across the country ate birds with avian flu and stole pieces of raw bacon with swine flu, hoping to make the perfect mixture. If every cat in the country has H1N1, it would certainly explain why they barf so much.
(And yes, that is our Headline of the Day.)
Written by Bryan McBournie