Day: November 16, 2009

The McBournie Minute: We deliver for you–at a huge loss

Remember mail? It was like e-mail, but with a much higher risk of paper cuts and a much lower risk of young co-eds wishing to become your friend. Apparently mail is still around, but people aren’t using it as much anymore.

Word just came in that the U.S. Postal Service posted a $3.8 billion loss for the 2009 fiscal year, or as Detroit calls it, Monday. The Postal Service isn’t doing so well, while Federal Express (FedEx) and UPS (UPS) are struggling because private companies just can’t compete with federal agencies, isn’t that right, teabaggers?

OK, so maybe the Postal Service needs some help. They’re planning to stop shipments on Saturdays to save money, but what they really need is some fresh eyes on the problem. Luckily for America, I just happen to be willing to lend my services. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We deliver for you–at a huge loss

Profiles in Sadness: A celebrity couple makes doohickeys

A lot of news crosses The Guys’ desks. Some of it is very important, too important to be made fun of. Most of it is goofy and deserving of our signature brand of highlighting. Then there are the stories we feel bad going into, not because of tragedy, but that some periodical felt they were worth reporting. These are our Profiles in Sadness.

Not *intended* for use as a cock ring.At least 106 news sites wrote about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s latest endeaver/couples’ therapy: a line of serpent-themed jewelry. (Well, at least this hobby keeps a few impoverished children out of West Los Angeles, where they might breathe the overpriviledged Kardashians’ air.)

It took a while, but boy, do we feel for Brad Pitt. Imagine having your name attached to your wife’s quilting or hamster taxidermy. Sure, it might bring a few extra dollars into the house whenever she sells something at a craft show, but at least your name wasn’t used to market them to guys with fight clubs in their basements.

And, of course, there’s the sole reason for these articles: the fans. Our favorite comments come from People Magazine. Remember, if you’re not white trash enough for the Enquirer, keep People in your bathroom.

“I am a big fan of Angelina (Brads not bad either). Reason being is amount of time they spend helping those who can’t help themselves.
Also Angelina; if Brads starts acting up I have your engagement ring on layaway.”

Oh, Michael Gatlin, you scamp! It’s amazing that you haven’t found your own Angelina yet!

“How exciting! I’m glad that Angelina recognizes the power in serpent symbols. In ancient times, serpents were considered wise and powerful, and very protective. I’m excited that they are going to donate all of the proceeds, as well. What a fantastic couple!”

Yes, Patty: Angelina shares your love for writhing disembodied penis symbols.

So, we’d like to thank celebrity rags, mouth-breathing fame worshippers and their bored Hollywood sovereign for all contributing to today’s Profile in Sadness.

Guess what you don’t need?

No one likes a jerk. Now, I’m not talking about a Denis Leary or Martin Lawrence type of jerk, but more of a “someone stole the teacher’s favorite ruler, so now everyone has to pay” type of jerk. Of course, no one hates these types of jerks more than Sony or the MPAA.

And so, they decided to display their feelings toward the town of Coshocton, Ohio. One individual made the choice to download a movie via the municipal WiFi connection. While such actions normally carry an incredibly hefty fine, but figuring out the exact person is a bit of a problem, given the “municipal” nature of the WiFi connection.

So, obviously, the only right course of action, per the MPAA, is to have the WiFi connection terminated.

It’s easy to jump to hyperbolic conclusions in situations like these, but it’s also just too easy to imagine that the MPAA is run by Kefka.

Respect the Putin

As the saying goes, there ain’t no party like a Moscow party, because a Moscow party don’t stop.

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, who you may know as a politician, showed off his mad rapping skills on Russia’s version of MTV. OK, well really he was just there to talk, but hey, he may have rhymed in his own language.

“I do not think that ‘top-rock’ or ‘down-rock’ breakdance technique is compatible with alcohol or drugs,” Putin told cheering hip-hoppers who responded with chants of “Respect, Vladimir Vladimirovich.”

Putin is pretty gangsta, after all. Remember the campaign for who would be his replacement as president? Anyone who stepped to him got capped in the ass–except with radiation poisoning.