Day: November 20, 2009

You Missed It: I’ve got a wooden stake edition

We are now less than a week away from Thanksgiving, and that means that you probably don’t care about us. You’re more focused on the feast ahead. We hear you. That’s why The Guys will be off until November 30. It’s better this way, there probably won’t be much going on in the news next week, anyway. If you were busy setting a record for longest-serving member of Congress, odds are you missed it.

Nosferatu = sexy
New Moon is out in theaters now, much to the delight of tween girls and cougars alike. The movie features that non-vampire chick with the cute vampire dude defending her from werewolves, and takes place during the day for some reason. (I missed most of the trailer.) So teenage girls are now into pasty guys who don’t get out much? Man, I graduated from high school a decade too early.

Straying from ideals? We don’t take kindly to that in the GOP
Lawmakers in South Carolina are looking into impeachment of Gov. Mark Sanford. For those of you who don’t remember, he’s the guy who went missing on the job and exported a mistress job to Argentina. The reason for the possible impeachment, dereliction of duty, making his staff lie about where he was, and crying during his apology.

Obamacare’s pubic option
This week changes to breast cancer screening and pap test guidelines caused something of an uproar. Lady part doctors and advocacy groups said that women should continue having their hoo-has and goodies checked regularly so their ladies and their nether region don’t get sick. I don’t understand a word of that medical mumbo jumbo.

Say it ain’t soprah!

Oprah Winfrey kicked off her farewell tour, announcing that she will end her show in September 2011.

Why then? Because she feels that “it’s time.” Or, because it’ll be the 25th season, which will make all the documentaries and retrospectives easier to caption. And the historians (*snicker*) that pore over her work will refer to it as her quarter of a century.

But still, why, Oprah? What will we do? How will he get enough Oprah in our lives with only your magazine, upcoming cable network, spin-offs featuring fake experts and every other Obama news story? How!? Why?! Gayle?!?!

In other news:
You’ve spent 25 years with Oprah. How’s about you get a job now?

Keep those panic hats on

The scariest food news to hit the country gets even worse. Leggo my frozen bachelor grub, lack of waffles.

Kellogg’s, which manufactures Eggo frozen waffles, blames the nationwide shortage on flooding that hit an Atlanta processing facility in September.

The shortage will most likely be in effect through the middle of next year, the company says.

“The Eggo team is working around the clock to bring everyone’s favorite waffles back to store shelves as quickly as possible. We hope to regain full distribution of Eggo products by the middle of 2010,” the company says on the Eggo Web site. “This is a top priority for Kellogg Company.”

In addition to the Georgia flooding, Kellogg’s says “equipment enhancements and repairs in our largest waffle bakery” contributed to the shortage.

With the loss of canned pumpkin and now the loss of Eggo waffles, we can officially put ourselves on THREAT LEVEL: FOODA.

Robot insects are coming to spy on you

You think we’re making this whole “War on Animals” thing up? We’re not. We are just connecting the dots for you, not so much like Glenn Beck, because we don’t get all weepy, but more like Lou Dobbs, because we stand firm in our anti-animal beliefs.

Then this s&$% happens.

Discovery News tells us in this far-too-brief blog post that the military is creating cyborg beetles to act as spies. And yes, that is the greatest sentence ever written, thank you for asking. Cyborg. Beetles. Scientists can now control the flight of some beetles with electrodes stimulating the bug’s brain. OK, that’s the greatest sentence ever written.