Month: December 2009

Take it from Snee: Retrospect this

While I’m certainly glad to see more people writing thanks to the advent of blogging, twittering and other terms that were previously symptoms of pleurisy; whereas I am also elated to say goodbye to the biggest waste of a decade since the 1460s (was there any good music that decade?); and because I look forward to the Twenty-Ten future, I am officially sick of all retrospectives about this and any other decade from here on out.

To make sure one is never written again, I’ve done you all a favor and written and all-encompassing one that should work for the next hundred years.* Don’t think I’ve left out names to be vaguely correct: in 10 years’ time, you’ll have forgotten most of the “important” people of this past decade, too.

*If this template still applies after 100 years, you’re on your own because I should be dead. Hopefully of something awesome like breastclimbing or mesotheligladiator fights.

Well, it’s been another 10 years, and what a 10 years it’s been! Let’s recap the good, bad and weird from this decade. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Retrospect this

We’d make more fun if it was a guy

Look, we’re all for equality in the workplace, including in the world of sports. Women sportscasters and writers have brought fascinating new avenues of analysis to the games we love.

But, every now and then, one goes a little too … girly.

If we were to summarize the link, which is about an upcoming UFC mixed martial arts match, it would read: “Wearing the same dress to our fight? IT’S ON, B@%CH!“

That which does not kill them makes them stronger

By now, we’ve all heard the paranoia about how the overuse of antibiotics can create drug resistant bacteria, but a new study has confirmed that antibiotics aren’t the only worry.

No, really. It might be the only thing that saves the human race.

Scientists at the National University of Ireland have tested the effectiveness of a common hospital and home disinfectant, benzalkonium chloride (BKC) on a easily found pathogen, pseudomonas aeruginosa. The pathogen tends to infect those already weakened by illness. What they found is that the pathogen will grow stronger when exposed repeatedly to small amounts of disinfectant. The lesson here? Go hard or go home.

While the researchers aren’t saying we shouldn’t use disinfectants, they are saying that they need to be used responsibly. Use the amount directed on the bottle and be aware that diluted disinfectant can build up on a surface, which then encourages the bacteria’s growth. Pay heed, lest the next war we take on be at the microscopic level.

Their first album was better, they’re sellouts now

Remember when the terrorists were angry, angst-ridden, had poor hygiene and general hatred of everything that is America? Yeah, man. It was 2001, and terrorism was the scene. I remember hearing about new and emerging terrorist groups on TV that were gaining popularity with their anti-corporate message.

It was just like grunge music.

And like grunge music, the harder, angrier side has given way to a less secure, depressed undertone. While modern terrorism today claims its roots in the good old days, it has grown into something that would make Kurt Cobain roll over in his infidel grave.

Just look at Umar Farouk AbdulMutallab, the man authorities say tried to blow up a plane on Christmas. Only a few years ago, he was a lonely, pitiful, confused teenager reaching out to Muslim chat forums for friends.

“‘First of all, I have no friend[s],’ he wrote in another online post with informal, imperfect grammar. ‘Not because I do not socialise (sic), etc but because either people do not want to get too close to me as they go partying and stuff while I don’t. or they are bad people who befriend me and influence me to do bad things.

‘i have no one to speak too, no one to consult, no one to support me and i feel depressed and lonely. i do not know what to do.'”

He allegedly can’t even set his underwear on fire correctly. Emoooooooooo.

Eat My Sports: You Missed It 2009

So hey, how’s it going? It’s been what, a year? Wow, um you look great. Have you lost weight? I know, I know, a lot catch up on. But if you were busy spending the holidays, or the past year in the slammer for domestic abuse, odds are you missed it.

Toeing the line
The year got off to a bang with a Super Bowl for the ages. Complete with a 100-yard TAINT, game-winning touchdown catch and Bruce Springsteen’s crotch going right into a camera at halftime.

The Steelers got their sixth Super Bowl trophy and Kurt Warner once again got Most Valuable Old Guy Beard.

Can’t spell anabolic steroids without A-Rod
In February A-Rod got caught up in a huge web of lies when Rodriguez tried to dupe the whole country into believing he didn’t know what drugs he was putting into his body. In a sitdown interview with Peter Gammons, Rodriguez put his best shade of lipstick on and lied his @$$ off.

And of course, proving there is no God, the Yankees won the 2009 World Series. Continue reading Eat My Sports: You Missed It 2009

How will we believe in love now?!

SeriouslyGuys is known for often broadcasting viewpoints that take pleasure in the misfortune of others. But, we’re not monsters all the time. We believe in a thing called love (just listen to the rhythm of your heart).

But, that belief? Frankly, it’s a little shaken today.

Karl Rove destroys marriage

Karl Rove–who once questioned why we would “throw out 5,000 years of understanding the institution of marriage”– threw out his understanding of the 5,000 institution of marriage to his second wife. If Karl can’t make marriage work, what chance do the rest of us heteros have?

Won’t they stay together for the kids that obsess over them?

And, in news that dismayed all The Guys (but mostly Bryan Schools), Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are no longer dating. This is the most biggest news to impact our Taylor-driven love lives since our office Jonathan Taylor Thomas poster was declared child pornography.

Drum circles: tools of terrorism

If you’ve ever been to college, then you’ve had to endure or–god forbid–participate in a drum circle.

Drum circles are an outdoor event where non-musicians bang drums outside because they got a C on a test and blame the latest shooting, election or editorial for their performance. It’s believed that, by participating in a musical performance, participants can alleviate stress by hitting a noisemaker and feel part of a group of other people hitting similar childrens’ party favors. They are notoriously organized by music majors to prove their degree is useful, even if they don’t become the next John Williams.

What they don’t realize is that they feel better because the joy and relative calm of surrounding dorms has been vampirically sucked away by their noise. This is similar to how a Glenn Beck works.

Fortunately, Africa has heard your cries and will address the situation.

At least you don’t hear much about the Christmas burger

How do you make 124 tons of meaty-meatness disappear? If you answered “make it unhealthy to consume,” then a winner is you!

That’s right, we have yet another E. coli scare upon us. Oklahoma company National Steak and Poultry is voluntarily recalling approximately 248 thousand pounds of beef, as there is a possibility of it being contaminated with the bacteria. Products being pulled back include beef medallions, beef tips, sirloin steak and skirt steak, among many other items, though I must say that I’m a tad bit disappointed that cow tongue isn’t found on the list. Frankly, cow tongue should probably be removed from stores as it is, E. coli or no E. coli.

The food company has stated that there may be a link between the meat and six cases of E. coli being discovered. This could be a lot scarier than it is, but luckily, we only tend to talk about the Christmas turkey or the Christmas ham, as opposed to the less seen “Yule pot of Hamburger Helper” (new motto: “One pound, one pan and you’ve got a trip to the emergency room”).

SeriouslyGuys can only speculate as to whether “Who-pie” is made of contaminated meat. We like to think that it is, as it would serve those dirty hippies right.

Sea cows would make good moving targets

More than 50 years ago, the U.S. Navy hunted for German U-boats while taking 0n the might of Japanese naval forces. Today, the Navy is going up against another foe: sea animals. We know that the battle between dolphins and whales seems to be won, but what about manatee?

In Florida, the waters off of Pensacola Naval Air Station and near other military bases in the region have long been training grounds for our aviators, submarines, destroyers and cruisers. But now the hippies at the U.S Fish and Wildlife Service want to expand a protected manatee habitat into this area.

Here’s an idea, let the manatee come, lull them into a false sense of security in their new home, then commence with the target practice.