Day: December 17, 2009

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Scrooged’

Would Charles Dickens have written the movie Scrooge? No. Would he have written The Muppet Christmas Carol? Good lord no, and stab your eyes for even suggesting as such. Truth told, he probably would have written something like Scrooged, an 80s, greed-isn’t-good update of the Dickens classic. The wittiest satire of television since Network, Scrooged gives us Frank Cross, the “youngest president in the history of television,” a man who also happens to be the completely maniacal head of the IBC TV network. IBC’s holiday programming runs toward action flicks like The Night the Reindeer Died and cheesy variety shows like Bob Goulet’s Old-Fashioned Cajun Christmas. But Frank’s pièce de résistance is Scrooge, a live-from-around-the-world Christmas Eve special, featuring Buddy Hackett as the old skinflint, Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim, and a bevy of scantily clad, oh-so 80s Solid Gold Dancers.

“We’ll own Christmas,” Frank announces gleefully.

But will it own your heart? Hit the cut, true believers, to find out the answer to that question, along with why it’s the second of three traditional Christmas-time movies for me. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Scrooged’

At least they didn’t learn how to use a condom

We tie the elastic in the back to make ours look like footlongs.School administrators are outraged–OUTRAGED–that a choral director took 40 of her high school students to Hooters.

To be honest, we’re a little disappointed, too. Those students get to see enough tight t-shirts and low self-esteem in class. The least she could do is take them where they could actually see some tits.

In other news, teachers are still allowed to take students to symphony orchestra performances that feature pianists, tromboners and xylophone sex operators. (What? That’s what they’re called!)

The clown is dead! Long live the current clown!

Michael Polakovs, the first person to portray Ronald McDonald, died at age 86. He was originally hired in 1966 by McDonald’s to help create the character. Polakovs must have been proud to know that the clown he created made it around the world. He also probably wept deeply and often when he saw the Japanese version, though.

Speaking of Japan’s Ronald McDonald, allow me to show you just why he’s so terrifying. Hit the cut to see why. Continue reading The clown is dead! Long live the current clown!

Last good thing about the French coming to an end

As most people know, there are few celebratory things as satisfying as eating your enemy. What? Most people don’t know that? Well, just trust us on this one, especially if your enemy is the horse.

Believe it or not, the French aren’t all bad. In fact, they have been leading the way in eating horses for years (not to mention frogs and snails). But now, sadly, horse meat isn’t as popular as it once was. On top of this, species traitor groups have begun a campaign showing how allegedly beautiful and graceful horses are.

Fun fact: In 2008, 15,820 horses were killed in France so that French people could eat them. Of those, 7,000 were imported. That means not only are they eating their own trusty steeds, they’re eating other countries’ too. Well done, France.

That is the last time you’ll read that sentence on this blog.