Day: December 23, 2009

Take it from Snee: Oh, there’s a Santa Claus alright

“DEAR DR. SNEE: I am 8 years old.
“Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
“Papa says, ‘If you see it on SERIOUSLYGUYS it’s so.’
“Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

“VIRGINIA O’HANLON.
“115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET”

VIRGINIA, your little friends are buttf#%king morons, maybe even retarded. In either case, they have at least been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

In other words, everyone (but me) is full of s@#t, so it’s a good thing you wrote me. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Oh, there’s a Santa Claus alright

Just because you don’t believe in God doesn’t mean that he doesn’t believe you’re an idiot

Seems like every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings … then succesfully sued and having the wings removed for being “religious” and “offensive.”

Every year somebody has gotta be Scrooge, and our 2009 award for Guy Who Pretends To Be Offended By Religious Symbols Simply For The Sake Of Being Artsy, A Public Nuisance and Overall Attention Whore goes to Irv Sutley, who spotted an angel atop a “holiday tree” in Sonoma County California and complained about it being offensive.

The result? All angels were removed from the top of Sonoma County Christmas trees, effectively making little girls cry everywhere. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

The best barriers are planet sized ones

According to recent simulations, the idea of making a life for yourself on a planet closer to the center of the galaxy has hit a natural barrier as well as a (lack-of-way-to-get-there-and-survive) technological one: Too many comets. Not enough ho’s!

No! No! Sit down Ludacris. We’re not going into a song, okay? We just don’t have the time. Now, as I was saying ….

It’s now being reported that Italian researcher Marco Masi has discovered that the stars and gas clouds at the center of the galaxy are so tightly packed that twice as many comets are shaken loose, and could hit planets at twice the impact of similar Earthbound objects. Which would mean that some kind of force shield that would protect future space colonies from collisions might just be the first thing to add to any future to-do list.

Our favorite planet-sized comet shield? Meatloaf. And Mike Holmgren. Oh, and one of the dude’s wearing an ascot that was pictured at the end of the Dec. 22, 2009 edition of PTI. That was a big dude.

Nicknames less cool when prosecution uses them

Oh, to be a fly on the wall at the Blackwater nicknaming ritual …

Sgt. Blutarsky: From now on, your Blackwater nickname is “Weasel.”

From now on, your name is “Mothball.”

Kroger, your Blackwater nickname is “Pinto.”

Kroger: Why “Pinto?”

Sgt. Blutarsky: [belches] Why not?!

Dorfman: What’s my Blackwater name?

Sgt. Blutarsky: Dorfman, I’ve given this a lot of thought. From now on … your name is “Savage Viking.”

Dorfman: … “Savage Viking?“

Apparently, Blackwater’s attorneys think it reflects poorly on their defendants when their mercenary nicknames are used in court during muder trials. Really, who would convict someone named “Murder” of murder based solely on their name? That seems awfully “Extreme” or even “Savage.”

Let this blog state for the record that I want my Blackwater nickname to be Jagged Metal Cock.

(Special thanks to Matt Staggs.)