Day: December 29, 2009

Eat My Sports: You Missed It 2009

So hey, how’s it going? It’s been what, a year? Wow, um you look great. Have you lost weight? I know, I know, a lot catch up on. But if you were busy spending the holidays, or the past year in the slammer for domestic abuse, odds are you missed it.

Toeing the line
The year got off to a bang with a Super Bowl for the ages. Complete with a 100-yard TAINT, game-winning touchdown catch and Bruce Springsteen’s crotch going right into a camera at halftime.

The Steelers got their sixth Super Bowl trophy and Kurt Warner once again got Most Valuable Old Guy Beard.

Can’t spell anabolic steroids without A-Rod
In February A-Rod got caught up in a huge web of lies when Rodriguez tried to dupe the whole country into believing he didn’t know what drugs he was putting into his body. In a sitdown interview with Peter Gammons, Rodriguez put his best shade of lipstick on and lied his @$$ off.

And of course, proving there is no God, the Yankees won the 2009 World Series. Continue reading Eat My Sports: You Missed It 2009

How will we believe in love now?!

SeriouslyGuys is known for often broadcasting viewpoints that take pleasure in the misfortune of others. But, we’re not monsters all the time. We believe in a thing called love (just listen to the rhythm of your heart).

But, that belief? Frankly, it’s a little shaken today.

Karl Rove destroys marriage

Karl Rove–who once questioned why we would “throw out 5,000 years of understanding the institution of marriage”– threw out his understanding of the 5,000 institution of marriage to his second wife. If Karl can’t make marriage work, what chance do the rest of us heteros have?

Won’t they stay together for the kids that obsess over them?

And, in news that dismayed all The Guys (but mostly Bryan Schools), Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are no longer dating. This is the most biggest news to impact our Taylor-driven love lives since our office Jonathan Taylor Thomas poster was declared child pornography.

Drum circles: tools of terrorism

If you’ve ever been to college, then you’ve had to endure or–god forbid–participate in a drum circle.

Drum circles are an outdoor event where non-musicians bang drums outside because they got a C on a test and blame the latest shooting, election or editorial for their performance. It’s believed that, by participating in a musical performance, participants can alleviate stress by hitting a noisemaker and feel part of a group of other people hitting similar childrens’ party favors. They are notoriously organized by music majors to prove their degree is useful, even if they don’t become the next John Williams.

What they don’t realize is that they feel better because the joy and relative calm of surrounding dorms has been vampirically sucked away by their noise. This is similar to how a Glenn Beck works.

Fortunately, Africa has heard your cries and will address the situation.

At least you don’t hear much about the Christmas burger

How do you make 124 tons of meaty-meatness disappear? If you answered “make it unhealthy to consume,” then a winner is you!

That’s right, we have yet another E. coli scare upon us. Oklahoma company National Steak and Poultry is voluntarily recalling approximately 248 thousand pounds of beef, as there is a possibility of it being contaminated with the bacteria. Products being pulled back include beef medallions, beef tips, sirloin steak and skirt steak, among many other items, though I must say that I’m a tad bit disappointed that cow tongue isn’t found on the list. Frankly, cow tongue should probably be removed from stores as it is, E. coli or no E. coli.

The food company has stated that there may be a link between the meat and six cases of E. coli being discovered. This could be a lot scarier than it is, but luckily, we only tend to talk about the Christmas turkey or the Christmas ham, as opposed to the less seen “Yule pot of Hamburger Helper” (new motto: “One pound, one pan and you’ve got a trip to the emergency room”).

SeriouslyGuys can only speculate as to whether “Who-pie” is made of contaminated meat. We like to think that it is, as it would serve those dirty hippies right.

Sea cows would make good moving targets

More than 50 years ago, the U.S. Navy hunted for German U-boats while taking 0n the might of Japanese naval forces. Today, the Navy is going up against another foe: sea animals. We know that the battle between dolphins and whales seems to be won, but what about manatee?

In Florida, the waters off of Pensacola Naval Air Station and near other military bases in the region have long been training grounds for our aviators, submarines, destroyers and cruisers. But now the hippies at the U.S Fish and Wildlife Service want to expand a protected manatee habitat into this area.

Here’s an idea, let the manatee come, lull them into a false sense of security in their new home, then commence with the target practice.