Month: December 2009

The McBournie Minute: Famous people holidays are just more fun

I have been critical of people who follow celebrities more than they do the real world–or even their own lives–in recent years, but I would now like to say that I, Bryan McBournie was wrong. It is not wrong to follow celebrities simply because they are beautiful and you don’t want to think about your crap job.

Actually, I think it’s only wrong to do that unless there is a holiday coming up.

All of a sudden, celebrities are making the holidays a little bit more tolerable. First, we have (allegedly) Tiger Woods yelling at his (alleged) wife on Thanksgiving, who is made about his unfaithfulness (allegedly). He then (allegedly) takes off in an SUV, but not before the wife (allegedly) smashes a window with an (alleged) golf club. Woods then hits a fire hydrant and tree (allegedly). Then we Charlie (allegedly) Sheen and his wife (allegedly) getting in an argument on Christmas day, with Sheen (allegedly) holding a knife at one point. I can’t wait to see that episode of Two and a Half Men. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Famous people holidays are just more fun

Diarrhea no substitute for bulimea

Taco Bell–which was represented by a chihuahua in their ads until she was ground into chalupas–has unveiled their new campaign: dieting.

If the past decade has been categorized by gritty, violent remakes of crap from the ’90s, then consider this the s#%tty remake of Jared’s Subway diet. TB claims that a woman lost 50 pounds by ordering from their “Fresco” menu daily, keeping her caloric intake below 1300.

Oh, there are so many jokes here …. Let’s just post them in a list:

  • The Fresco menu? You’d lose weight if you ate paintings of food, too.
  • It wasn’t the Taco Bell that was low calorie, but the Tic-Tacs she ate for the rest of the day.
  • In the burrito’s defense, it doesn’t stay in your system long enough to pack on the pounds.
  • Before Taco Bell, this woman never ate lettuce.
  • The Taco Bell diet encourages you to exercise more so that dates can focus on your six-pack abs, even when you smell like you s#%t your pants.
  • We always go for a run after a Gordito … to the bathroom.
  • C’mon, have you ever seen a fat Mexican?
  • We can’t tell you Taco Bell’s secret blend of 11 herbs and spices; however, we can tell you that one of those spices is not not tape worm eggs.
  • Why would this woman lie about the dietary benefits of a multimillion dollar international chain of restaurants?

Look, we’re not saying it’s impossible to lose weight by eating Taco Bell. We’re just saying that you might lose even more by not doing so.

You think they can see altruism in their eyes?

Scientists have discovered that locusts literally look where they’re going, and this discovery about the importance of visual input may mean that bugs are a lot smarter than we thought they were. Literally (that second literally is courtesy of Jeremy Clarkson).

That is not good news in the War on Animals.

It’s being reported from researchers at Cambridge University in the UK that locusts have been observed climbing ladder-like structures to investigate whether or not they used vision to guide them. The fact that they did means that they’re displaying a level of visual brain processing previously believed to be too great for insects, according to the study’s Dr. Jeremy Niven:

The visual control of limb placement in the locusts suggests that this can be achieved by much smaller-brained insects. It’s another example of insects performing a behavior we previously thought was restricted to relatively big-brained animals with sophisticated motor control, such as humans, monkeys or octopuses.

Next up, we expect Cambridge scientists to probably set up a chess match between an octopus and a locust to decide which is more intelligent. Whoever wins that game, we all lose. Also, the octopus will probably try to squirm out of match. After all, it is in its nature.

Free Kang Wannian!

It’s a Christmas miracle-unless you’re the Chinese dude who was sentenced to twelve years in jail. It’s every warrior’s dream, but it there are very, very few who have actually had the chance to do so.

Kang Wannian, a Chinese man, killed and ate what just may be the very last Indochinese tiger. Apparently the incident happened in March, when the man came upon the tiger. Wannian said he killed the tiger in self defense (let’s face it, the killing of any animals is in self-defense), but apparently that did not fly with those liberal elites in the Chinese government.

It’s been a tough year for Asian tigers, as the Tamil Tigers were exterminated in May. Yes, we do geo-political gags, too.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘A Christmas Story’

Congratulations. If you’ve made it this far, you’re now reading about what is my absolute favorite Christmas movie of all time. And speaking of reading, let’s get on with the review.

For the uninitiated, A Christmas Story ranks as the best holiday movie ever, better than Scrooged, better than A Christmas Carol (pick a variety), better even than It’s a Wonderful Life. Based on the book In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash by Jean Shepherd, it’s a period piece set in roughly 1940, telling a series of vignettes about a young boy that’s 9 years old in the weeks leading up to Christmas. He faces down bullies, witnesses a dare match over whether a tongue will stick to a frozen metal pole, gets his mouth washed out with soap, and sees the holiday turkey devoured by dogs… and all he wants is a BB gun! But as everyone tells him, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!”

And with that line, the movie went down into the annals of pop culture. But, there’s more to the film than just quotable dialogue. What makes this film so good? Hit the jump to find out why.  Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘A Christmas Story’

Raise alert to ELFCON One or Five (whichever’s highest)

As you are probably aware, the North American Aerospace Defense Command tracks Santa’s movements on Christmas Eve. But, haven’t you ever wondered why?

According to NORAD’s Web site:

“On Dec. 24, 1955, a call was made to the Continental Air Defense Command (CONAD) Operations Center in Colorado Springs, Colo. […] It was from a girl in Colorado Springs who was following the directions in an advertisement printed in the local paper – she wanted to know the whereabouts of Santa Claus. […] However, the number was printed incorrectly in the advertisement and rang into the CONAD operations center.

“[…] Colonel Shoup received numerous calls that night and rather than hanging up, he had his operators find the location of Santa Claus and reported it to every child who phoned in that night.”

That’s a nice story. But, we all know the government doesn’t care about children. That’s why they hide Easter eggs in the lawn instead of handing them out.

No, this is just to keep tabs on magic people. We’re watching you, Santa. And don’t think we won’t notice if you drop off any “gifts” to Pyongyang or Tehran.

(Via Brand X and Wikipedia.)

They’ve got spirit, yes they do

So, you think you’ve got Christmas spirit, eh? With your giant nativity scene, Night Elf Mohawk ears and Ralphie bunny suit, do ya?

Well, just like everything else you endeavor in life, an astronaut’s got you beat.

Astronauts aboard the space station get not one, but two (TWO) Christmases. No, they’re not all the children of broken marriages. They celebrate the real one on December 25 and then the Russian one on Jan. 7 where everyone exchanges the same exact present.

(Hope you like vodka rations.)

Two Christmases may seem like a good idea, especially when you’re flying, but we’ve heard this all before:

Take it from Snee: Oh, there’s a Santa Claus alright

“DEAR DR. SNEE: I am 8 years old.
“Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
“Papa says, ‘If you see it on SERIOUSLYGUYS it’s so.’
“Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

“VIRGINIA O’HANLON.
“115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET”

VIRGINIA, your little friends are buttf#%king morons, maybe even retarded. In either case, they have at least been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

In other words, everyone (but me) is full of s@#t, so it’s a good thing you wrote me. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Oh, there’s a Santa Claus alright

Just because you don’t believe in God doesn’t mean that he doesn’t believe you’re an idiot

Seems like every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings … then succesfully sued and having the wings removed for being “religious” and “offensive.”

Every year somebody has gotta be Scrooge, and our 2009 award for Guy Who Pretends To Be Offended By Religious Symbols Simply For The Sake Of Being Artsy, A Public Nuisance and Overall Attention Whore goes to Irv Sutley, who spotted an angel atop a “holiday tree” in Sonoma County California and complained about it being offensive.

The result? All angels were removed from the top of Sonoma County Christmas trees, effectively making little girls cry everywhere. MERRY CHRISTMAS!