You Missed It: Big is the new small edition

Posted on January 29, 2010
Filed Under You Missed It | Leave a Comment |

I don’t know about you guys, but January has seemed like it’s dragged on. I’d say it’s felt easily like the longest month we’ve had this year. Let’s not forget that The Guys even took two days off this month. Ug. Anyway, it’s over now. If you were busy anticipating the Pro Bowl, you’re probably the only one, and you missed it.

I’m tired of being able type with two hands
Steve Jobs, god of all that is Apple, introduced the iPad, a much-rumored tablet computer thingy that got mixed reviews at best. You can’t multi-task, you have to use complicated wires to connect anything to it, and 3G coverage is extra (plus a monthly service fee). We don’t know about you, but we’ve been clamoring for a big-ass iTouch. Now if only there were some kind of feminine product joke to make.

And no one noticed Biden’s purple-ish tie?
The same day as the iPad’s unveiling, another grand presentation was made by another celebratedr presentation person: President Barack Obama. During his State of the Union address, Obama bashed a Supreme Court decision that opened the door for corporate campaign sponsorship. Justice Sam Alito(ooo) was caught on camera shaking his head and mouthing something that looked like “No way, that’s wrong.” Alito’s message was brought to you by Geico, a 15 minute call could save you 15 percent or more on car insurance.

Osama, Al Gore find common ground
In a statement, Osama bin Laden called for the oil industry to separate itself from using the U.S. dollar as its standard currency, he also said climate change is all America’s fault, because, you know, it’s not like his native Saudi Arabia is the leading oil exporter in the world or anything.

Written by Bryan McBournie

New Yorkers’ tough talk after 9/11 just that

Posted on January 29, 2010
Filed Under Facepalm, Too Soon? | Leave a Comment |

You ever known somebody from New York, particularly from the city? If so, then you’ve probably heard all the talk that comes from New Yorkers: being raised on the mean streets, being able to make it anywhere and–after 9/11–tougher than any terrorist.

After intense bipartisan pressure from U.S. officials, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg and the relatives of 9/11 victims, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder and President Barack Obama are now considering alternative sites for the trials of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and four of his alleged co-conspirators.

Those “tough guys” from “the streets” have suggested safer places, including U.S. military bases and West Point, for five men that have been tortured and held in tiny cells for almost a decade.

So, the next time you have to listen to an obnoxious New Yorker, or even a plain-old Yankees fan, brag about what a badass they are and how New York eats people up and spits them out, let them vent. It’s all they have left.

Written by Rick Snee

Down under round up

Posted on January 29, 2010
Filed Under That Wacky Australia, That Wacky New Zealand | Leave a Comment |

Remember the Sex Party of Australia? Yeah, we know, it’s been a very long time, but they’re back, and they’re back with a vengeance. They’ve now begun reporting that the Australian Classification Board has begun rounding up any material depicting women with less than substantially sized breasts in adult publications and film-for an immediate banning. Now, we’re not going to just automatically Godwin the ACB, but, well … we do enjoy snickering when the word “titzi” is spoken.

The reason for this discrimination of the A and A- crowd? The ACB feels that this is a way to prevent pedophilia, in a nutshell. To boil it down, they want to make sure people aren’t turned on and getting all sex-crazed over small breasts, and thus are making sure that all the young-looking women must have really large breasts.

Anyone but me see the basic flaw here?

But wait-there’s more! A burglar broke into the house of the Sciascia family and ran off with an iPod and Xbox. One problem: the legs of Papa Sciascia weren’t exactly up to snuff. The solution? 11 year old Rena grabbed dad’s crutch and gave chase. For 500 meters. The police later tracked down the alleged burglar. Rena’s iPod was lost, but her Xbox was found in a bush near the family’s home. The burglar was never named, for obvious reasons of not wanting to die of embarrassment.

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Important winter driving safety tip

Posted on January 29, 2010
Filed Under KAPLOOIE! | Leave a Comment |

It’s cold outside, as it pretty much is for the Northern Hemisphere every January. But here at SG, we want you to remain safe AND warm, which is why we are here to warn you that no matter how much sense it might make, no matter how tempting it could be, do not put a space (or “blow,” as they say in Europe) heater under the hood of your car to warm it up faster as you wait indoors.

A German man did just that, only to have his car explode, and the remnants of it burst into flames. So to review: oil and gasoline + space heater = no more car.

Written by Bryan McBournie

Best sex advice ever

Posted on January 29, 2010
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |

Guys, do you want to have a better sex life AND kill the animals? We may have a solution for you that’s better than Bob Dole endorsing Viagra. Argentina’s president is on the record as saying she was more than satisfied by her man, after him having a weekend of eating the cooked pig. Studies are still inconclusive though if pigs can leave you with an erection lasting longer than four hours.

Written by Bryan Schools

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Stuck on You’

Posted on January 28, 2010
Filed Under MasterChugs Theater | Leave a Comment |

The Farrelly brothers have made a career out of mocking the afflicted. They had fun at the expense of the mentally challenged in Dumb And Dumber. Last time out they mocked obesity in Shallow Hal. Stuck On You garners its laughs from the exploits of conjoined twins. It’s not a strategy that has won the approval of the politically correct, but their bad taste humor has found a large audience.

That they portray their handicapped with affection goes some way to dispel the charges of ridicule. That they do it so brazenly also warrants some recognition. Most humor comes at the expense of somebody’s misfortune. The Farrellys just happen to focus on those whose misfortunes are more obvious. And, let’s face it, there are few richer subjects than conjoined twins. Stuck On You may effectively be a one gag movie, but it’s one they make full use of, including absurd scenes of the youthful brothers pitching baseball, playing football and boxing. But does the joke ever wear out? Hit the jump to find out. Read more

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Chris Matthews doesn’t remember color

Posted on January 28, 2010
Filed Under Profiles in Sadness | Leave a Comment |

After President Barack “Still Doesn’t Show Up In Spellchecker” Obama’s State of the Union Address last night, MSNBC host Chris Matthews commented on … something about the President, saying:

“I was trying to think about who he was tonight. And uh, it’s interesting. He is post-racial, by all appearances. You know, I forgot he was black tonight for an hour….”

And so we delve into another entry into Profiles in Sadness.

Let’s start with the reaction, since that’s why we’re even talking about this today: stupid people, with names like “Shoehead” and “Brent Bozell” think he was being racist.

Here’s our question: does anybody know what Chris Matthews was talking about? Is he saying he forgot about Barack Obama’s race? That Obama has wiped out race? That he sounds like a cooler-than-average white guy when Matthews close his eyes? That race ceased to exist for an hour because Obama may or may not be black until you look inside the TV, a Schrödinger’s Democrat?

We’ll take this further: does Chris Matthews know what Chris Matthews is talking about ever? Does this sound like a man who speaks with any forethought whatsoever?

“The on-air host was roundly criticized for calling West Point cadets ‘the enemy camp’ when Obama spoke at the U.S. Military Academy in December.”
“Matthews also was criticized for saying he ‘felt this thrill going up my leg’ after listening to Obama speak during the presidential primary campaign.”

And that’s the saddest part about this story. Chris Matthews doesn’t speak. MSNBC runs a fanhose to his ***hole, and cuts it on whenever it’s time for words to come out of his mouth. He’s like a perfect pitch bagpipe, as in no matter how many people like his music, damn if it isn’t both annoying and perplexing.

So, who really loses in this affair? We’re gonna go with the party with the least to say about it: MSNBC. They still have no comment.

Written by Rick Snee

Magic missiles can’t save you from being shanked

Posted on January 28, 2010
Filed Under Regular Post | Leave a Comment |

Kevin T. Singer is currently serving a life sentence for murdering his sister’s boyfriend. He’s also challenging the prison’s rights to take away his Dungeons & Dragons. If you murder someone, isn’t that because of D&D, rather than playing D&D as a result of murdering someone?

Singer had been playing D&D with the coolest group of convicts in the Waupun Correctional Institute since 2002. In 2004, however, the prison banned the game after an anonymous inmate complained that Singer and his friends were forming a “gang” around the game. Which is understandable, as nothing says intimidation like an imaginary axe named Blood Saker that has a bludgeoning addition of +10. As such, his game and reference materials were then confiscated by prison guards, on the grounds that they promoted “fantasy role playing, competitive hostility, violence, addictive escape behaviors, and possible gambling”.

Singer appealed the prison’s decision, but earlier this week 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals rejected his pleas, on the grounds that “punishment is a fundamental aspect of imprisonment”. Saving throw failed.

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Let’s talk about the undead and the bees

Posted on January 28, 2010
Filed Under War on Animals, Zombies | Leave a Comment |

It really doesn’t get much worse than this: a 76-year old Polish man fell unconscious after being stung by a bee, he then woke up in a coffin after he was pronounced dead.

Obviously, this is everyone’s worst nightmare, because no one likes bees, and we all pretty much hate being stung. But just imagine that a single bee sting can kill you. Not only that, but the bees have figured out how to turn you into a zombie after you die from their sting.

Everyone thinks that the zombie plague will come through a virus, or through bites. They are wrong. The dead will rise not because there is no more room in Hell, but because our animal foes have commanded them to.

Written by Bryan McBournie