Day: January 5, 2010

Eat My Sports: You Missed It: The 00s

What? Could it possibly be? A second retrospective  in two weeks? Look, don’t sit there at your office computer and even try to pretend that you haven’t been scanning over Fox’s Top Democrat Douches of the 00s, or that you haven’t been secretly looking forward to doing a top five American Idol winners of the decade so you can have a balanced list.

Back off you ingrates! I’m going to tell you how it is, and if you don’t listen, lay back and accept it, I’m gonna go Ron Artest on your ass (a 2004 reference, ba-zing). So if you were spending the past decade in the mountains of the Middle East, odds are you missed it.

Athlete of the decade
Albert Pujols
This guy is about as consistent as Cracklin Oat Bran. You want 30 HR, 100 RBI and a .300+ batting average every year? You got it. Not only did Pujols lead the majors in all those categories during the 00s, take into consideration that Pujols only played nine seasons during the decade, his first nine in the majors.
Close second: Tiger Woods

Douche of the decade
Alex Rodriguez
Sure, you can call me biased all you want. But find me one athlete that made a bigger embarrasment of himself during the beginnning of the new millenium than A-Rod. Consider he started things off with a quarter-BILLION  dollar contract, then moved on to the Yankees, then hand slapped Bronson Arroyo during the 2004 ALCS, then lied about steroids, then lied about knowingly taking them, then lied about knowing where he got them, then lied about knowing what he was taking, then lied about how long he was taking and the guy wears lipstick.
Close second: George W. Bush/Scott Stapp

Continue reading Eat My Sports: You Missed It: The 00s

It worked for Beethoven

If you’ve ever encountered children, then we will guarantee you’ve wanted to hit at least one of them. Don’t get all defensive; some of them practically ask for it.

For some reason, this practice has been frowned upon, resulting in criminal charges and governments taking children away. And as of lately, you can’t even shake a baby when they get unruly, even if they have a gun!

Fortunately, Marjorie Gunnoe of Calvin College is on our side! Psychology professor Gunnoe has found in her research that children smacked before the age of six are more likely to perform better at school, do voluntary work and want to go to college when they are teenagers than their non-tenderized peers.

Our only suggestion? If you’re going to sock your toddler for airline terrorism, avoid the head. They’ll need that for the college they want to attend.

Animals with a supernatural connection, check

If there’s one animal that we could always count on to die needlessly for their cause, it was bees. Mind you, reports of their death had been greatly exaggerated, but that’s okay, as they’re simply the kamikazes of the animal world. Sure, some people have developed genetic imperfections that allow them to be hurt more by bees, but in the end, once a bee stings you, it’s dead.

We might need to rethink our plans. Scientists have discovered bees that use more than just their stingers to defeat potential attackers. Apparently, they’re perfectly prepared to mummify enemies who can’t be stung. The old adage of “That which does not kill us, makes us stronger” seems to be a foreign concept to the insects, but they do seem to be fans of “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”

It’s now being reported that researchers from the Swiss Bee Research Centre in Bern have discovered a species of bee-the Australian stingless bee ably called Trigona Carbonaria-that has developed a previously unseen way to ward off attackers. The team tested their theory by releasing small hive beetles at the mouth of a beehive. The results were highly disturbing.

Faced with such a resilient foe, a group of workers resorted to coating the beetles in a sticky mix of resin, mud and wax. From computerised tomography (CT) scans of hives flash-frozen at 5-minute intervals, Greco’s team found the mummifications take less than 10 minutes.

The beetles rarely got very far from the entrance before being mummified. The only time Greco saw the beetle invasions succeed was during a hot Australian summer, when temperatures above 40 °C may have stressed the bee colony and prevented the resin from setting.

Ye gods. This is incredibly unsettling. One bee is avoidable, but imagine an entire colony working together to mummify a human being. Don’t think they’re not planning to! What’s also terrifying is that the only way to prevent this from happening, according to the research, is to set the planet ablaze in order to throw off the colony. Great, the Scorched Earth technique taken to an inferno level, and we’re still on the Earth.

It’s just like the cowboys used to do it

Some say our government is not doing enough in the War on Animals. They may be right, but that argument just got a bit worse, because they’re rounding up the wild horses in Nevada.

They say that some of the herd is being rounded up because the area can’t support so many horses, but we know what’s really going on. Those horses have run free for far too long. It’s time we tame them, subjugate them and pump them for information. Now, if The Guys can volunteer to shoot tanquilizers at the horses from a helicopter, we’re ready to sign up.