Day: January 13, 2010

Take it from Snee: Try not giving a s#%t

The past couple of weeks, I’ve examined the news, looking for topics for this column. There are certain subjects I’ve bypassed, not because I haven’t heard about them or couldn’t think of any quips, but the stories themselves were obvious bait.

I will argue (long after my identity is stolen, my friends’ profiles have devolved into mafia dens and virtual pastures and PayPal wipes out the human race to collect our debts) that the Internet is the greatest thing to happen to communication since the printing press. However, there is a seedier element that has spread from the online community into the established news media: trolling.

“Trolling,” for those of you who are just now joining Facebook, is the act of posting an intentionally inflammatory post in order to elicit a purely negative response. This is different from satire or parody because, when successful, the reader “sees what you did there.”

The latest top news items are trolling. Well, except Haiti …. Unless you’re Pat Robertson, but he’s God’s troll.

I fully realize that, by discussing these stories below, I’m officially not not writing about them. Just bear with me; there will be a point at the end.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Try not giving a s#%t

Its all fun and games until the Pope condemns you

Audiences worldwide are praising James Cameron’s latest pic Avatar. While TheGuys’ main gripe is that Cameron didn’t kille off Leonardo di Caprio in this movie, the Vatican is slamming the film for its worship of nature, further proving the Vatican’s complete inability to enjoy anything.

In other news we would like to celebrate the 10 year anniversary of Catholicism Wow!

The pink elephant in the room

Americans have made great strides in quitting smoking … well, some Americans.

It turns out that a large percentage of modern smokers don’t support a daily habit nicotine habit, but smoke cigarettes “part-time.” Researchers are trying to figure out why people occasionally indulge in something that’s dangerous, tastes good, relieves stress and gives you something to do with your hands when surrounded by strangers. (In other news: people still eat Hot Pockets between trips to McDonald’s.)

But, of all the scenarios that The Wall Street Journal lays out, they left out the most obvious prompt for casual smokers to indulge: drinking.

It’s well known that booze and smokes go hand-in-hand. Alcohol shares all of the same benefits listed above with tobacco, but also blocks out shameful memories when you go too far with it.

What’s interesting, though, is that the article only focuses on cigarettes. Why not cigars or pipes? What about hookah? It’s pretty obvious that whoever did this research clearly does not smoke.

I’ve heard they can smell pigstrual blood

What’s a pig to do when it’s lost and hungry on the streets?

If you’re a horror movie fan, then it will begin to eat the populace in no time; however, in real life, the pig just goes for fast food.

Gladys, a 300-pound one-year-old female pig, was found oinking into the transmitter by Quiznos employees. The employees gave the “malnourished” swine some Quiznos fare while waiting for Animal Control to arrive. Being an ungrateful guest, the pig later threw up all that it had been given.

The pig was treated for an infection, but is now eating well and very sociable. Animal control doesn’t know where Gladys came from, but the department had received reports of a stray pig about two weeks ago. We’d be lax about the health and security of the member of the enemy too.

Whatever it is, it didn’t kill us

Hey kids! Did you know that there are untold numbers of objects in space that come close to Earth and could one day kill us all? You did? You saw that movie already? OK, well, you can feel safe, because we’ve got scientists out there watching everything closely and keeping us safe. They know exactly where everything is.

The good news we have for you is that something passed within 80,000 miles of our planet this morning and it didn’t hit us. The bad part is that scientists aren’t really sure what it is. Even Space.com, whose name suggests that they know a lot about what goes on in space, called it a “weird object.” Maybe space junk, maybe an asteroid, but it may also be a piece of the sky, which is in fact, falling.