Day: January 20, 2010

Ask Dr. Snee: Every placebo you want it to be

Dear Dr. Snee,

What is a placebo? Is that what mother dogs eat when they have puppies?

–Johnny Laster, age 8

A mother dog eats the placenta, which is part of the sac that fetuses live inside of while in their mother’s stomach.

But that’s not just dogs: all mammals have them, including humans. I talked to your mom (in bed) and she told me that she intentionally ate Indian food the entire week you were due, just so your placenta would taste like curry.

A placebo, on the other hand, is a tricky medical term. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Every placebo you want it to be

Ask your local terror provider for ‘Al-Qaeda’

They may be officially called “adhesive bandages,” but no matter who makes ’em, we still call them “Bandaids.” It’s not a tissue, it’s a “Kleenex.” We didn’t hold up the liquor store with an “assault rifle,” we used our trusty “Kalashnikov.”

And, as demonstrated by our invasion of Iraq, the U.S. doesn’t respond to “terror,” but to “Al-Qaeda.”

However, if your local terror provider didn’t carry that brand of Al-Qaeda terror we’ve grown to fear and trust, then have we got news for you: the Kings of Dramedy (“It’s funny and sad because it’s true!) are going into syndication to help spread their brand into previously untapped markets.

That’s right: if you’ve had to put up with generic Taliban (more like “Talibland“) and Lashkar-i-Taiba (more like “Lashkar-i-Suck“) terrorism, then don’t despair! Namebrand terror is on its way!

Foreign fish-the new illegal immigrant

The Supreme Court recently refused to issue an injunction in a case between Illinois and Michigan.

That’s not what we should be worried. The really crux of the problem is Asian carp. Yes, somehow, in the Midwest rivers of our great, American country, Asian carp have made their way into our land. Did they take a citizenship test? No. Do they pay any taxes at all? No. Do they even have the courtesy to speak our language? NO!

Now, listen-I’m just one man. But even I know when we’re clearly leaning on a slippery slope to pure communism thanks solely to the illegal immigration of Asian carp. You should be afraid because the ambassador to Atlantis is remaking America. He’s just not remaking it the way you thought he would. He’s just remaking it into a place that’s a whole lot crappier. Kind of a hybrid between Mu and Sea World. He’s taking the beacon of freedom and turning it into an apologetic, hey, what can you do for me, wannabe Chrodatan, spread the wealth, socialist wonderland. Teardrop.

King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!

The United Kingdom is known for many things, particularly its lack of animals due to excessive hunting over the past several centuries. (Nicely done, by the way.) For example, wild boars had been not so wild in England for roughly 300 years. Now they are back and the world isn’t the same as it was in 1710.

Aside from the fact that we wear cooler pants now, the forested areas are more developed, and rather than outlaws or merry men living in the forest, free from the law, actual citizens live there now, but the boars from free of the law. The boars have been raiding “rubbish cans” as of late, as “rubbish” collection has been interrupted by the fact that the U.K. is actually having a winter for once and don’t know how to handle it.

But apparently the Brits can’t kill these things because they just got back in the wild again. Sounds like we need more outlaws in the forest.

Challenging, and beating Ted Williams

If you think that .400 is a hallowed record, well my friends, you have not lived. Take Marguerite Engle of South Dakota for example: police say this brave drunk passed out behind the wheel of a stolen delivery van with a BAC of .708.

Now, we the Red Sox faithful of SG have lots of faith in our team. However it would of been a stretch for Williams in his prime to hit that number from behind the plate or the bar.