Day: January 22, 2010

You Missed It: Seeing red edition

I don’t know about you guys, but this part of the winter is the worst for me. The holidays are over, it’s cold and miserable, and it’s not even February. On top of all this, all there is to look forward to now is Valentine’s Day. Then again, I had a long weekend when most people didn’t. So in summary, I feel bad for you, dear reader. If you were busy claiming a bastard as your daughter, odds are you missed it.

Wicked huge stunnah
Republican Massachusetts state Senator Scott Brown defeated state Attorney General Martha Coakley, a Democrat, in a special election to fill the seat once held by Ted Kennedy. The GOP’s stunning win is being hailed as an omen of elections to come later this year and puts obstructionism back in the the Congressional vocabulary where it belongs. Thus ends the longest-running Massachusetts curse since the Boston Red Sox 86-year World Series drought.

Another disappointed Bostonian
The end of the LenO’Brien (TM) battle is over. As expected, Conan O’Brien will be leaving The Tonight Show after signing a deal with NBC. In fact, tonight is his last night hosting the show. As part of the severance package, O’Brien will receive $32 million and will be able to pursue other networks as early as September. However, NBC gets the rides to all of the characters he created. This means we can look forward to watching Jay leno do skits with the Masturbating Bear.

This paragraph is brought to you by the good people at GE
Speaking of corporations getting their way (I’m on fire with the segues this week, aren’t I?), the U.S. Supreme Court loosened restrictions on organizations and corporations to campaign spending. In a 5-4 vote, the justices decided that money is a form of free speech, and though they have lots of it, companies should be allow to spend that free speech like a human being would when endorsing a candidate. This is a good thing, because if there’s one problem with elections in America, it’s that politicians don’t listen to special interests enough.

Presenting the new Apple iPresident

Just when we thought the looming threat of NASCAR had been contained to the redneckier parts of America, it appears that the sport managed to slip into Washington, D.C.–more specifically, into the U.S. Supreme Court.

In a 5-4 decision divided on the usual party lines, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations can “spend as much as they [want] to sway voters in federal elections.”

Now, a lot of people are upset about this … although they’re mostly people who don’t own corporations, so what do they know, right? They certainly aren’t looking on the bright side.

For instance: voters already complain that they can’t tell the difference between presidential candidates anymore, saying that they’re forced to select “the lesser of two evils.” Well, what if Pepsi endorsed one of them? BOOM! 50 percent of the population just voted for, “I’ll have a water, then.”

Best of all, candidates could actually coordinate their campaign slogans with their contributors. Jonathan Edwards could “clean up” his image with an endorsement from Tide. Or, he could show he’s learned his lesson about fathering inconvenient children with a giant Trojan backdrop behind his podium.

It’s here, it’s purple and green, get used to it!

Vegetables just got a little bit more disgusting interesting as the first new vegetable to hit store shelves in nearly a decade is making its debut in the U.K.

A cross between Brussels sprouts and curly kale, the new vegetable, called the flower sprout, is a small purple and green sprout with curly leaves. Brussels sprouts-yup, anything crossed with them is a definite winner with kids. Market test research, the scientists did not. It will be sold at Marks & Spencer grocery stores in Britain starting Monday-the first new veggie added to the roster since tenderstem broccoli came on the scene in 2002.

“Customers love our mini lemons and black apricots — we hope people will be just as excited about tasting a completely new vegetable. Both kale and Brussels sprouts are from the same species (Brassica oleracea) and are part of the same family called Brassicas or Crucifers. This means that their genetics are very similar even though their outward appearance is different,” he said.

This allows them to be cross-bred, creating a new hybrid species. The flower sprout’s taste is similar to that of the Brussels sprout, and it’s best served steamed or stir fried.

Read that last sentence again. Kids, now might be a good time to run for the hills.

You can buy a miracle

Now that the economy is turning around for some, do you have extra cash to burn? By that, we mean, do you have cash you should be putting toward paying off your debt, but instead want to blow on something really cool? Well, friend, step right over here.

How about a plane? Sure, everyone who is anyone has a “private jet” these days, but you want to be different, don’t you? Why not consider purchasing an Airbus A320? Why, this baby is up for auction right now. She may be completely water logged, have mold issues, and the remnants of geese in her engines, but this baby is worth it.

She’s a part of history. A part of Americana. She’s a conversation piece for your next soirée– provided your guests don’t mind the ill effects of mold.

Surprise of the decade

You’d be just as shocked to find out that the Pepsi throwback Mountain Dew made with real sugar rots your teeth at double the speed of regular Mountain Dew (not verified, yet). But in actual news, Heidi Montag, most famous for getting plastic surgery and being an obsolete moron, has a new record out. And guess what kids? It flopped. Shocker.