Month: February 2010

You Missed It: Understated celebration edition

Sad to say, but it’s the end of February, everyone’s favorite month. Not only is it cold and snowy, but it’s a month of great holidays everyone either loves or questions its existence, like Groundhog Day (Feb. 2), Valentine’s Day (Feb. 14), President’s Day (Feb. 15), and Waitangi Day (Feb. 6). It’s also the end of Black History Month, so say goodbye to ‘Glory’ on your cable’s OnDemand service. Now we get to say hello to March, which like a schizophrenic sex partner, comes in like a lion and leaves like a lamb, or vis versa. If you were busy having a sit-down with opponents to your health care reform plan, odds are you missed it.

At least they have one medal to cheer about
The Canadian women’s hockey team won gold medals in Thursday night’s game. They celebrated in the traditional Olympic manner during the medal ceremony. Then, a half hour later, they came back out onto the ice, this time wielding champagne, beer and cigars. The on-ice celebration is allegedly a common form of Canadian celebration. One of the players trying to drive the Zamboni? Not so much. In case you’re wondering, champions drink Coors Light and Molson Canadian (natch).

The $500 bathroom trip
Over 400 people became sick on a cruise ship in the Caribbean this week. Rather than a memorable cruise to some tropical location, the norovirus went on vacation with 435 of the 1,838 passengers, who basically saw more of the poop deck than anything else. What’s even more surprising, the ship on which the the outbreak of diarrhea occurred, Celebrity Cruise Lines’ “Mercury,” had two outbreaks last year. Let’s just say you want to stay away from the hot tub on that boat.

Moving forward–whether you want to or not
Akio Toyoda, the president of Toyota, (much like William C. Fort is the head of Ford) testified before Congress this week over the recalls his company has been hit with and the recent memos bragging about a 2007 deal with the federal government that have surfaced recently. During his testimony, Toyoda said the company will work hard to regain consumer trust and fix the issues. In other news, even this isn’t helping General Motors’ sales.

Americanization: complete

If there were any doubts about our progress in the war in Afghanistan, let us assuage them right now. Combating Afghan and Taliban forces trash-talk each other before and during firefights over the radio, the Taliban often accusing the Afghans of loving Obama.

Does it sound like our own political discourse? SeriouslyGuys translated these radio transmissions during a skirmish so that you can decide for yourself:

AFGHAN: Put down your weapons.

TALIBAN: Bah, typical Obamabot, trying to take our guns!

AFGHAN: We don’t want your guns. We want you to stop fighting and join the discussion about how to run this country.

TALIBAN: Yeah? You want to run Afghanistan as a Muslim nation like the Founders intended?

AFGHAN: Well, although the Founders may have been Muslim, our original ancestors in the region were most likely Zoroastrian, and we’ve also had periods in our history where we were predominantly Hindu or Buddhist …

TALIBAN: War on Islam!

AFGHAN: –what?

TALIBAN: You want to outlaw Islam!

AFGHAN: What? No. Dude, we’re mostly Muslim, too. Besides, Islam takes up, like, 99% of the population. You’re not exactly oppressed. We’re OK with you being devout Muslims, but let’s keep it out of the government.

TALIBAN: So you’re proposing an amoral government!

AFGHAN: Really? When you people were in charge, you used religion to justify keeping women covered, uneducated and pregnant. What kind of moral government is that?

TALIBAN: You-you’re just in love with Obama!

AFGHAN: No, we don’t love him. We just think he has some good ideas, but we don’t necessarily trust that the United States has all of our best interests at heart. [Emphasis theirs. The spoken Pushtin language pronounces italics.]

TALIBAN: Keep drinking that Kool-Aid, Obamabot! Where’s your messiah now?!

AFGHAN: What’s “Kool-Aid?”

TALIBAN: HEAR MY VOICE! HEAR MY VOICE, SECRET CHRISTIAN RADIO OPERATOR!

[Gunfire erupts, interspersed with cries of “Allahu Akbar.”]

(Special thanks to slantsmcgtee.)

The big eyes alone make him worthy of being one

Students at the University of Mississippi have launched a campaign to replace their former Civil War era mascot, Colonel Reb, with the leader of the Rebel forces, Admiral Ackbar. But is it a trap? Officials at Ole’ Miss are leaning more towards, yes, “IT’S A TRAP!”

Oh c’mon, that was a lot of fun to say, even as someone who’s not a Star Wars geek.

Since 2003, the University of Mississippi retired Colonel Reb, the Ole Miss’ Colonel Sanders lookalike, as their on-field mascot. This year students voted on whether to begin the search for a new mascot, and surprisingly enough, the squid-eyed Supreme Commander of the Rebel fleet has garnered some serious press as a candidate, thanks in no small part to an internet campaign that went viral.

Even though there’s no chance in the world that Ole Miss’ administration will honor the vote if, in the slim chance that the good Admiral wins, the idea of him puttering around The Grove, slamming shots with Abercrombie & Fitch wearing frat boys is too ludicrously awesome for this reality.

That’s it, I’m not following you anymore

If you’re like us, you hate the Internet. Wait, come back! We mean we hate most of the Internet and what it has done to things like our grammar, spelling and forms of communication.

According to an English study, it’s only getting worse. Of 2,000 people surveyed, about a third said they used social networking, email and so on to end their relationship. We can only assume this means to break up with someone, not as a means of doing something that will make your partner leave you.

The worst part is that some people broke up with their boyfriend or girlfriend on Twitter. Yes, they tweeted the dumping. Worst. Retweet. Ever.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘When Harry Met Sally…’

Upon initial view, When Harry Met Sally… seems like a shameless Hollywood rip-off of Woody Allen’s masterpieces Annie Hall and Manhattan, which is slightly ironic, given that we just took a look at Annie Hall last week. There were so many similarities — the Jew-shiksa romance, the lush autumn New York City foliage, the ivory-tinkling Gershwin standards, even the white credits set on a black background. But now, the movie plays as a loving homage to a director who had already lost his romantic-comedy way. And as it turns out, Rob Reiner’s film about two friends trying to have a platonic relationship was ahead of its time. But, well …. there’s only one roadblock: looooooooove. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘When Harry Met Sally…’

Hummer: no happy ending?

Everyone who sees a Hummer thinks one of two things: a) “Somebody has penis issues,” or–if you’re also a Hummer owner–b) “Mine’s bigger.”

But, those halcyon days of gloating from your Pontiac Aztec or PT Cruiser at stupider spending choices may be numbered. The Chinese have backed out of purchase negotiations of the line from General Motors.

With no buyers, GM may be forced to shut down the brand, ending all production. This may be the worst news for douchebags since cone snails, which are where puka shells come from, were added to the endangered species list.

GM will continue to look for offers for Hummer, but it’s not looking good to spokesman Nick Richards.

“Hummer going down?” Richards said. “It sucks, bra.”

Cue X-Files theme song

A 2-ton object crashed to the ground in Mongolia. Nobody is sure what it is, so a report was sent in to MUFON, a UFO-tracking organization. Could it be something from a tangent universe? Or even as far away as-gasp-North Dakota?

The report states that two objects fell near the Mongolian capital on February 19. The first object, according to the report, weighed 10 kg, while the second larger object weighed “approximately 2 tons.”

Has anybody opened this thing up to see whether there are any aliens trapped inside? And if so, have they been created by a punch from Will Smith?