Day: February 2, 2010

Eat My Sports: The world is ending, might as well drink 2.0

Welcome back to the apocalypse. If any of you recall, last year we decided to make some drinking rules for the Super Bowl, because, you know, it was the end of the world. My reasoning was that the Tampa Bay Rays had made the World Series and Bono was still alive. Well, the Rays didn’t make it this year, but unfortunately Bono did. So, that being the case, because the Super Bowl is going to be a blur, we’re going to make your evening one.

NOTE: We do not recommend playing by these rules because there is a strong chance that you will die.

Continue reading Eat My Sports: The world is ending, might as well drink 2.0

Palin goes full retard, drags rest of U.S. with her

Sarah Palin kicked off a new Profile in Sadness this week by being offended by Rahm Emmanuel’s use of the word “retarded” to describe a retarded idea in a strategy session meeting.

Though Palin was not in attendance, she is demanding that the White House fire the White House Chief of Staff, claiming that it was just like Emmanuel called her son, Trig, the “N-word.” (Why do white people always pull out the n-word like it’s their go-to?) The Guys would bet dollars to donuts that she thought the staffers’ plan actually had something to do with her spawn.

But, she’s not the only one to behave like a retard in this situation: Emmanuel called Tim Shriver, CEO of the Special Olympics, to apologize. Tim Shriver doesn’t even have a mental handicap. That’s like apologizing to a car wash after you keyed someone’s pickup.

Of course, the Special Olympics is using the opportunity to “Spread the Word to End the Word.” And by “the word,” they mean “retarded”: a word they haven’t used in years to describe their participants, nor do the rest of us. We do use it, however, to refer to people that accidentally blow their nuts off or think Africa is a country.

Look, folks. Nobody cares if we use the words “stupid,” “idiot,” “moron,” “dumb” or “imbecile,” and they all have the same origin as “retarded.” Acting retarded will not make people with mental disabilities feel like they’re in good company because they’re not retarded.

At the end of the day, do we really want to live in a world where we can’t call Democrats “f#%king retarded” for proposing to launch an ad campaign against their own congresspeople in an election year?

Those are three words you never want to hear

I’ve heard plenty of three word phrases in my life. Some have been utterly spectacular and they do nothing but brighten up your day. Some are not so divine. And yet still, there are others, like “Ruth Bader Ginsburg,” that will simply shrivel your soul back from the enlightened state it might have been … or at least, where your soul might be located.

But what no man wants to hear, much less an entire country, is “severe sexual repression.” Unfortunately, China is hearing that very phrase attributed to itself.

It would appear that in Guangdong, STD’s are spreading like wildfire through a gasoline soaked Amish barn. But how can that happen in a repression? Well, migrant workers are turning to sex workers more and more thanks to being away from their families; however, when they come back, they end up bringing more than just a week’s wage. Would you be happy if your husband came back with a tongleberry on his tackleberry? This is largely being attributed to the area having very little education in sexual activity.

The guys have a different opinion on the matter. Personally, we think this might be more closely linked to China’s decision to ban the consumption of canines. After all, you didn’t hear about this news until after the ban was proposed, right?

Robo groundhog is here to destroy us all

Today is Groundhog Day, the only real American holiday that is about humiliating an animal. Earlier this morning, somewhere in Pennsylvania, people pulled a groundhog out of its hole and displayed it for all to see, then they attempted to scare the crap out of it by showing the animal its shadow. (Six more weeks of winter.) Good fun!

But some people want to spoil that fun. Not surprisingly, those people are animal activists. The activists say the holiday is harmful to the groundhog and act as if we care. It’s some mumbo-jumbo about their heart rates during hibernation, we know they just love the enemy.

PETA has even gone so far as to suggest that the groundhog be replaced with a robotic stand-in. Yeah right, and if they got their way, that groundhog would have laser eyes and shoot missiles from its mouth.