Day: February 5, 2010

You Missed It: Coming in hot edition

Greetings from the worst winter our nation’s capital his had in 100 years! Yes, as I write this, I am braving out a storm that is supposed to put the snowfall for the winter over the top and make it the snowiest winter in a decade. On top of that, we are supposed to get nearly two fraggle-rocking feet of snow before it’s all over. Anyway, enough about me and my world coming to an end. Let’s get down to business. If you were busy partying with teabaggers, odds are you missed it.

A screeching halt
Remember the days when American car companies sucked and Japanese car companies’ profits soared? Things have changed. Ford now sucks slightly less, and Toyota has more or less crapped the bed. After that pesky gas pedal recalls that happened last week (months after a family was killed because of it), Toyota also issued a recall on the brake pedals of their Prius hybrid cars. The company said that owners can tell if they have faulty brakes if fails to slow from its top speed of 15 mph.

Mel Gibson would like to tell you how he feels about you
Actor Mel Gibson is mounting a comeback not only in the movie theaters, but in the headlines as well. Everyone’s favorite alcoholic member of Opus Dei had to explain himself when during a television interview with a Chicago reporter he muttered a word we can’t repeat here, but let’s just say it contained the words “ass” (which we can say) and “hole.” Gibson later apologized via text message, saying the comment was aimed at his publicist, not the reporter. He blamed the mishap on the Jews.

The beginning of the end of a show that will never actually answer anything
Lost returned this week to the delight of millions (including several people in my office). The show is now in its final season, with more mysteries than ever, like parallel universes, people who are dead and aren’t dead, and much, much more. In related news, I still don’t care about this show. World, please stop asking me my thoughts on it.

Red Madness sweeps U.S.!

In case your calendar doesn’t update to include every observation ever conceived by people with charities to fund, February 5 is National Wear Red Day.

National Wear Red Day was organized by the American Heart Organization, which doesn’t realize that red is already the color of:

  • HIV/AIDS
  • Communism
  • Wrist Awareness
  • Sixth Grade Literacy (What? You didn’t read The Red Badge of Courage?)
  • Republican Washington Nationals Fandom
  • Khurramite Succession Over the Mazdak Religion
  • Anthropomorphized Kool-Aid

Basically, we’re saying they could have received better notice if they chose a less used color.

By the way, we’re sorry that we reported everyone wearing red to the FBI for possible ties to Khurramite extremism. We got spooked by the sudden numbers.

Six month old ketchup, anyone?

Scientists in India say that they have created genetically modified tomatoes that will stay fresh a full month longer than regular tomatoes.

Researchers said they modified the tomatoes by manipulating two enzymes involved in ripening the ubiquitous fruit, which allows them to extend shelf life by 30 days. Reportedly, the techniques could be used to extend the shelf life of bananas and mangoes.

Is this a good idea? Of course not. Rotting tomatoes were obviously our only weapon in the Great Tomato War. How am I the only person to remember this fact?

I never did trust the LEGO maniac

Any you know what? Neither should you. After all, any interaction with LEGO products is a deadly experience that will get you and everyone around you killed.

Mock shooting is apparently a very big issue in America. Plastic guns, while ridden with the inability to actually fire any projectiles, are clearly one of the biggest banes of our society. The only reasonable solution is to eventually remove our hands.

The moral of the story? Never bring an ax to a gunfight.

Australians embrace America’s litigious ways

We know all of you have been wondering about this, and following the case every step of the way, but at long last, the verdict is in. It’s not in favor of Men At Work.

What? You have no idea what we’re talking about? Well, the owner of the rights to the Australian children’s song “Kookaburra Sits in the Old Gum Tree” (the story of a fisherman’s existential crisis and huge shark catch) sued Men At Work, yes, that Men At Work, for plagiarizing the flute solo in “Land Down Under,” better known as Men At Work’s only memorable song.

This is why songs don’t have flute solos anymore.