Day: February 17, 2010

Take it from Snee: Give up church for Lent

Let’s get this out of the way before I piss off only the Catholics: unless you’re dieting or a passive-aggressive schmuck, fasting is for losers. Almost every religion employs it at some point and tries to dismiss hunger pains and low blood pressure symptoms as holy euphoria.

But, anyone who’s bound to be offended knows why I’m talking about this today: it’s Who Gives a Rat’s Ash Wednesday. The media month for the Christian Super Bowl of Easter has opened, and adherents will give up things they love for Lent.

Some people give up booze, others smoking. Some women give up chocolate. In short, everyone gets a little bitchier, which simulates how angsty the Pharisees were to drive Jesus into the ground about this time. (Too soon?) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Give up church for Lent

Virginia is for gun lovers

It’s a big day for RAM members in Virginia, as the House of Delegates has passed a slew of laws to ease gun enforcement in the Commonwealth. Among the best ones which passed the Senate and await signing:

  • Repealing the one-gun-a-month sales limit. Now you can buy all of your relatives guns for Christmas at the last minute.
  • Allowing “gun owners without a concealed carry permit to lock handguns in a vehicle or boat.” Because hiding a gun in your car or boat until it’s time to spring it on someone isn’t the same thing as concealing it.
  • Allowing “those with a concealed carry permit to take hidden guns into restaurants that sell alcohol as long as they don’t drink.” Thank God. There is nobody scarier than the drunk Happy Hourers in TGIFridays. It’s well-documented that bikers drinking Mojo-jitos at the Olive Garden are twice as likely to wedgie you than bikers at home.

But the greatest one of all, which must still pass through the Senate:

  • Banning “localities from being able to prohibit hunting within a half-mile of a subdivision, but allow them to prohibit hunting within a subdivision.” The deer have been allowed to use human shields for too long. Sorry, subdivision-dwellers, but you’re gonna have to put up with some friendly fire. We’re at war, and those who would sacrifice a little safety for liberty deserve neither.

Aussie AG surprisingly not named Nancy

He’s a brave man. Such a brave man, despite being a complete and total nancy-boy.

The South Australian Attorney General that happens to be the only politician standing between Australia and a mature rating for video games in the country, says that he’s more at risk from gamers than motorcycle gangs. No, really.

“I feel that my family and I are more at risk from gamers than we are from the outlaw motorcycle gangs who also hate me and are running a candidate against me,” Michael Atkinson said on ABC TV’s Good Game.

Atkinson says that a gamer slipped a “threatening note” under his door early one morning.

“The outlaw motorcycle gangs haven’t been hanging around my doorstop at 2 a.m.,” he said. “A gamer has.”

DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMMM!!!!! Did you not read that? A threatening note. From a gamer no less, even though there’s been no evidence to support that at all. We can totally understand where he’s coming from. A strong combination of Cheetos powder and sexual slurs proclaimed by boys that have yet to hit puberty have been known to account for a numerous amount of deaths every year.

Maybe. Possibly. Eh, who knows?

Double whammy

Talk about striking out. A Florida woman was charged with a DUI after showing up to an area prison and demanding a conjugal visit, drunk. Not only did she fail the breathalizer, but the prison doesn’t even allow conjugal visits to begin with.

Your battery died for your sins

It’s Ash Wednesday, all you Catholics out there. We know you’re excited. Are you ready to give something up for Lent? Did you forget it was Lent in the first place? It happens.

Bishops in England have a suggestion for what you should give up: your iPod. Instead of forgoing chocolate, soda or something along those lines, why don’t you give up something that will help save the environment? Give up some piece of technology (that you’re addicted to anyway), reduce your power consumption, do something to be greener.

We’d just like to say: please don’t give up your computer. We’d miss you.