Month: February 2010

Women sit down for their rights

Despite the name, SeriouslyGuys is all about women’s lib. We are big into the advancement of womanocity. That’s why we are thrilled with Japan’s All Nippon (*snicker*) Airways.

The airline is introducing women-only toilets on its planes. Why? Because it will cut down on the wait in line for men. Wait–no, actually it’s because the womens wanted their own bathroom. One of their annoyances is that men often leave the seat up.

Really? You’re on a plane with a tiny toilet bumping around and you care about the seat being up? Just imagine if they left it down.

Take it from Snee: MTV’s lost it

You ever read an ex’s blog entry after a breakup?

I don’t mean the entry right after it ended where they’re sad and can only listen to Kelly Clarkson. I mean the one a few months later where they air your dirty laundry about your laziness, poor hygiene and sub-par penis size, maybe claim you tried to pick them up the other day, and that they’re so glad they dumped you. (Reality: you dumped them.)

Yeah, that’s how I read MTV Network President Van Toffler’s statement about “pushing Generation X out” of their programming considerations. Continue reading Take it from Snee: MTV’s lost it

Lady sailors make perfect seamen

It’s hard to believe, but the U.S. Navy’s been using submarines for over 100 years, and they just now thought to put women in them.

It took this long because some people have always thought that it’s not a good idea, especially because of “hot bunking,” where sailors sleep in the same bed in shifts to save space and because the subs have to be manned 24 hours, anyway.

But, this is a prime example of why submarines need women: the “hot” bunks will smell better. It’s either station women on subs or stock the showers with Herbal Essences.

And not just the bunks, either, because we’re also talking about recycled air here. Everyone knows women don’t fart, and their poops are modest and have no more odor than freshly baked crescent rolls. They sweat less and, if folded correctly, take up less space than an Ab-Lounger, which is important in a sub’s cramped insides.

(Speaking of conditions women handle better than men: cramped insides.)

Basically, women make the perfect seamen, especially underwater.

iWack

*Warning readers: today’s link contains a picture with pasties, so um, if your boss is cool with 99% of a boob, then go for it.

Apps, let’s face it, they’re cool news folks. Every carrier and every phone brand these days seems to come with their own version of them.

Porn, let’s face it, it’s cool news folks. Everyone and every phone brand these days seems to be able to access it in their own way.

Now, let’s do some math, shall we? 1+1=Apple trying to phase out adult-themed apps available through their iPhone app store. Have I got your attention Rick and Chugs? Basically Apple is trying to ensure that smut doesn’t ruin the brainwashing done in transitioning 10-year-olds from the iTouch to the iPhone.

No porn? Yeah, there’s an app for that.

Bollywood? More like Boring-wood, am I right?

Need some money? Then head on over to New Delhi, where you might be selected to watch a movie.

Ram Gopal Varma, director of surprise Bollywood horror hit, Phoonk, has made a sequel to said movie: Phoonk 2. Yes, we know, it’s quite original, though SG is more than a little disappointed that it was not named Phoonky instead. Nonetheless, Varma has issued a challenge: he will give 500,00 rupees (just over $10,000) to whoever can watch Phoonk 2 alone in a movie theater until the closing credits.

Is that a serious challenge? I personally can’t say, mainly because I never saw Phoonk. Then again, Bollywood is only just recently (within the past decade or so) beginning to have a horror arm to their movie world. The movies that they have had so far haven’t exactly rocked my socks. To be honest, the last Bollywood movie I saw involved a dancing Superman. Yeah.

Of course, if anyone would like to help a poor and beleaguered soul with watching a copy of Phoonk, well, my email address is attached to this article.

Time for Teddy to travel

You may have done some traveling since you left your parents’ home (apologies to our basement-dwelling readers), but what about your teddy bear? Teddy has been left at home, collecting dust and staring up at the ceiling since the day you left him on your bed, you selfish jerk.

That’s why a Czech travel agency plans to show your bear the sights–on your tab, of course. Sure, you could go see Europe, but why bother when you can just send your teddy bear? The best news of all is that the travel agency will be marketing to North America and Japan.

No word yet on whether the plush Japanese tourists will have cameras around their necks.

Eat My Sports: T-Mac attack

I’m finally done with my near year-long ranting of football and baseball, you get a baseball column in the next few weeks because pitchers and catchers reported last week. However this week I’m here to praise an un-praiseable situation. Congratulations New York!

No, I’m not nor will I ever be a Yankees fan. I hope they all have herpes inflammations during a playoff run next year, fans and team included. No, we’re here to praise the New York Knicks for accomplishing something many, especially myself, never thought they would in the next decade: put themselves in contention.

Everyone knows that at the turn of the millennium, the Knickerbockers have sucked more than Hoover products, the Oakland Raiders and pre-girl only Jenna Jameson combined. And they have a 317-436 record to show for it since the beginning of the ’00-’01 season. The combination of bad ownership, horrible drafts, Isaiah Thomas and trades for every overpaid, past their prime shooting guard in the league (Stephon Marbury, Steve Francis, Penny Hardaway, Shandon Anderson, Howard Eisley … you get it now, they sucked) left New York trailing only Britney Spears’ mid-decade breakdown as the biggest laughingstock since George W. Bush …, you know what? Enough with the references, you get it, I’m up on sports and pop culture. Continue reading Eat My Sports: T-Mac attack

If you can enforce a ban, you can enforce a quota

The International Whaling Commission (don’t let the name fool you–they’re ag’in’ whaling) is offering a truce to longtime animal warriors Japan. Instead of continuing their outright ban, which the Japanese dodge by calling their kills “science,” the IWC might permit them to limited whaling with as-of-yet undetermined quotas.

How do the Japanese justify killing the better part of 30,000 whales, the majority becoming food, since 1986 as science?

1) Food science is science. It’s science that you eat. Without out it, there would be no Twinkies, Cheez-Whiz and other “foods.” It’s only a matter of time before the Japanese discover a fish-like substance that tastes like whale.

2) Less whales equals more Japanese people. The world’s seaweed and tiny gross fish supplies are running scarce because whales eat it all. What will the Japanese eat if they can’t cut it up and tie it to rice? Spaghetti-Os?

3) The best technology comes from war. We’re at war, but the Japanese are facing a giant, intelligent foe that may use language to coordinate its underwater convoys. Therefore, any weapons they develop for whaling will lead to peacetime innovations like odorless braces and typhoon guns.

Scientist tells Hollywood to knock it off already

Hollywood has always been fairly … liberal with their application of science, even when they get it right. This is not a new revelation, as some of you might point out. Well, physicist Sidney Perkowitz is tired of it and wants it over and done with-now. As such, he’s decided to to ask them nicely: please break the laws of physics only once per movie.

The Emory University scientist believes that good science in science fiction is beneficial for both scientists and filmmakers. Scientists can rest easy knowing pop culture isn’t purveying crap science, and Hollywood wins by not insulting the audience’s intelligence. Now, he’s not totally against science used in movies, he just wants it to be good science.

“I am not offended if they make one big scientific blunder in a given film,” Perkowitz added. “You can have things move faster than the speed of light if you want. But after that I would like things developed in a coherent way.”

“If you violate that you are in trouble. The chances are that the public will pick it up and that is what matters to Hollywood. The Core did not make money because people understood the science was so out to lunch,” he added.

As friends of mine can attest, the reason I think The Core didn’t make money was because it was a crappy movie. But I digress.