Day: March 9, 2010

Eat My Sports: Keep it in your pants, ‘Ben’

Today’s column is an open letter to the two-time Super Bowl Champion, and accused sexual aggressor, Ben Roethlisberger.

Dear Ben,
You don’t know me, and hell probably never will. I represent a very insignificant portion of the fan base that dons your jersey and supports you even in your boneheaded decisions on and off the field. We have comes to terms with the facts that a) your head will be comprised of jello by age 40 thanks to our AWESOME offensive line b) you seem to have an insatiable sexual appetite, by reputation and police reports, and c) that mustache you had going at the end of last season did not help any of the above statements. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Keep it in your pants, ‘Ben’

Who says Hollywood’s dishonest?

You may have noticed that there were Academy Awards this weekend. Hopefully you weren’t too disappointed by the results.

(Sorry, Clooney fans. He can’t win for the same role every year.)

(Oh, and to people who just discovered science fiction through Avatar and can’t believe it only won special effects awards: get used to it.)

But, now that we’re in the aftermath, we can reflect on Hollywood’s choices.  And when Sandra Bullock says she “didn’t aspire” to win the Oscar for Best Actress–or ever win an Oscar at all–we mean it from the bottom of our hearts when we say, “Yeah, we could tell.”

I can easily see the confusion

It’s so very easy to get a Wii controller confused with a hand gun. I mean, just think of it:

  • One’s metal, the other’s plastic.
  • Their unique and distinctive shapes are so very similar to each other.
  • Wiimotes are well known for containing bullets.

Yup, if a child has easy access and reach to an already loaded handgun with the safety off and thus ends up fatally shooting him or herself with said gun, with the mother of said child in the same room as this is happening but not noticing any of it going on, it’s clearly because the child mistook the gun for a Wiimote … and certainly not bad parenting, right? Right?

Come on in for 75 cent wings!

If you like wings, you’re not alone. Buffalo, barbecue, etc., they are growing in popularity, and that’s actually not a good thing.

Because so many jerks out there like the same bar food that you do, the price of chicken wings is increasing this year. Wings have increased in price by 39% since the 1970s, even with inflation. Last year they cost $1.47 per pound. So we’ll see if gas or wings make it to $3 first.

This is now creating a market for my new idea: buffalo chicken feet!