Day: March 11, 2010

MasterChugs Theater: ‘American Ninja’

Annnnnnd we’re back.

See, we gave you a special edition of MasterChugs Theater last week in order help celebrate the birthday of SeriouslyGuys. But now, it’s back to the grind. Quality movies like you wouldn’t believe, and with the recent Oscar season having ended so soon, that shouldn’t be too hard at all. I mean, look at the sheer number of quality movies that came out in the past year. In fact, while some of them may not have been top level movie of the year films, the large amount of movies for the expanded Best Picture of the Year category should at least be noteworthy.

Oh, wait, what’s that? You tell me that it’s March? Hmm. Well, time to scrap those above plans, as we all know what that means.

March Movie Morts.

Let’s celebrate this year’s edition with the greatest American action movie star of the 80’s: Michael Dudikoff. In doing so, we can only kick start a celebration of The Dudikoff (He complies) properly by examining the great film in his filmography: American Ninja. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘American Ninja’

Correlation vs. causation and your priest

Congratulations on your recent adoption of a Catholic priest! Millions of people worldwide have made your choice in religious leader adoption, many because of the ease of care priests require:

  • Priests do not eat large meals. In fact, you can feed them the same bland diet of crackers and wine if you convince them there are USDA-graded chunks of Jesus inside.
  • Priests are not slaves to fashion. Their natural black coats should suffice in most environments. On fancy occasions, a hand-me-down smock should provide adequate body temperature regulation.
  • Priests do not require sexual stimulation. Preternaturally demure, priests do not require the comforts of wives or girlfriends.*

*There have been recent cases over the past 200 years of priests “expressing their sex organs” on children in the home. While experts are divided on what prompts this behavior by certain priests, Christoph Schönborn–the Archbishop of Vienna–believes that celibacy may “allow no outlet for priests’ sexual urges.”

Of course, this does not account for priests only exhibiting untoward advances to children. So, the jury’s still out on whether some priests become pedophiles or if some pedophiles become priests.

Just to be safe, you should always neuter your priest before introducing it into a home with small, easily-knocked-over children. It also saves the furniture from embarrassing stains.

‘I see fat people’

Australian scientists claim they’ve stumbled upon a sixth sense – but not the kind where you become Haley Joel Osment and end up having a movie career that goes nowhere. No, researchers down under have found a new flavor sense: fat.

It’s more or less a well known fact that fat is an excellent vehicle for food flavors and has a highly appealing mouth-feel. A new study, however, suggests that along with sweet, sour, salty, bitter, and umami (essentially, the ability to detect protein), we can also actually taste fat itself.

Dr. Russell Keast, an exercise and nutrition sciences professor at Deakin University in Melbourne, conducted a study. In the Deakin study, Dr. Keast and his team gave a group of 33 people fatty acids found in common foods, mixed in with nonfat milk to disguise the telltale fat texture. All 33 could detect the fatty acids to at least a small degree.

Here’s where it gets exciting: While all participants could detect some fat, some were better at it than others. With this in mind, the researchers then explored whether sharper fat-tasting abilities corresponded to fat consumption. They did: The higher a person’s fat-tasting sensitivity, the fewer fatty foods that person ate, and the lower that person’s body mass index was.

”I may be very sensitive to sweet tastes, while somebody else may be insensitive. This is common throughout the tastes, and it’s exactly what we’re finding with fat,” Dr. Keast told the Sydney Morning Herald. “People who are very sensitive to fat can taste very low concentrations of it. It appears [those] people have a mechanism that is telling them to stop eating it.”

Findings could lead to an entirely new approach to obesity. Dr. Keast’s team is on the case. Meanwhile, pass the butter and weapons grade lard.

Undead animals reported in Australia

If there is one thing that this blog is vigilant about, it’s the ever-present threat that animals pose to humanity, and if we could add a second item to that list, it would be zombies. So what’s the worst-case scenario for mankind?

Zombie animals.

At a zoo in Sydney, Australia, doctors declared a pregnant elephant’s baby had died in the womb. Two days later, the elephant gave birth–and the baby was moving. The baby elephant is now being mistaken by zookeepers as living, and it’s only a matter of time before they realize it is in fact undead.

Frankly, we don’t know what happens with zombie animals. We’ve never heard of them before. But we do know this: zombanimals not only want to wipe us out, they want to eat our brains, too.