Why China names years after animals

It’s so they know which animals to kill under mysterious circumstances.

Not 10, not 12, but 11 rare Siberian tigers have died within a three month period in one Chinese zoo.

(There are so many f#%ked up factors in that sentence that we ran out of special characters to call attention to every single one of them.)

According to Liu Xiaoqiang–local wildlife protection official–the Shenyang Forest Wild Animal Zoo not only starved the tigers,  also kept them in tiny cages.

These are textbook enhanced interrogation techniques. It’s only a matter of time before any remaining tigers talk, giving zookeepers the location of hidden tiger cells.

A prosperous Year of the Tiger to us all!

Lava more efficient for building than water

A 168-mile-long channel near Mars’ Ascraeus Mons volcano wasn’t created by water as scientists have previously thought. New high-resolution images suggest that this trench was created by molten lava. DUM DUM DUMMMMMM!!!

What does this mean for the search for water on Mars? We’re hoping it means all the martians have been burned to death by now.

Thanks to improved imaging techniques, Mars researchers noticed volcanic vents near the Ascraeus Mons ridge. According to Jacob Bleacher of NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center:

We started seeing that, instead of this [liquid] cutting into an existing surface, it was building a surface-it built a ridge up to 40 meters […] You see it all the time in volcanic settings. So that’s kind of our smoking gun.

Get it ? Smoking gun? Lava?

Yes, well … ahem. This doesn’t mean that water-formed valleys don’t exist on Mars, but it does mean that researchers will have to account for volcanism more when analyzing images of Martian topography.

To reiterate: we hope the martians have all been burned to death. Because they are crafty and green.

Romance and handcuffs

It’s sort of spring outside, live is in bloom. And when what is the most romantic country in the world? Germany, of course. (Half credit if you said France.) The German language itself oozes romance, despite not actually being a romantic language. HA! Word play!

Somewhere in Germany, a woman awoke to the sound of someone breaking into her home after scaling to her balcony. She immediately called the police. When the authorities arrived, the man jumped down and ran off into the night. He was caught, bottle of wine in one hand and flowers in the other. It was the woman’s boyfriend.

Unfortunately, the boyfriend had an outstanding warrant, so he got carted off to jail. He gave the bottle of wine to his arresting officers. Such is love.