Day: March 16, 2010

Eat My Sports: Free agency come and me wanna Delhomme?

Every year my letdown from football season is softened by spring training for baseball. Some would call it a rebound chick, but baseball is my number one love, so it’s like having a first wife, getting a divorce, then realizing after about five years you had it right the first time. Full circle friends.

I’ll keep tabs on NFL free agency just so I know what’s happening, but I normally have several reasons to not give a crap: A) The Steelers are never active in free agency, so it’s not like I ever particularly cared that anyone was available, they weren’t coming to Pittsburgh B) 99% of the signings are never worth it, and you know they don’t make sense (see: Albert Haynesworth meets Washington Redskins). And that is where the 2010 free agency period has thrown me through a freaking loop, I’m confused, intrigued, and probably in need of a drink.

Where to start, well, since it’s in the headline, batter up for …

Jake Delhomme to Cleveland Browns/Brady Quinn to Broncos/Kyle Orton’s beard getting a little uncomfortable Continue reading Eat My Sports: Free agency come and me wanna Delhomme?

Keep your friends list close, your blocked list even closer

Have you ever wondered what a “social media guru” or “expert” does? As far as we can tell, they follow random people on Twitter and post links to buzzspeak essays by other (presumably) unemployed “SEO managers.”

Or … they could be The Fuzz!

Police, FBI, Secret Service and even the IRS are infiltrating the MySpace, Facebook and–in extreme cases–the Friendster to find the goods on you. To bypass your security settings, they’re setting up undercover identities, asking to become part of your online menagerie of familiar screen names.

Once they’re in, you’ll probably forget all about them, like that guy you met that one time at that place with the shots served in test tubes. (Quickest abortion turnaround time, yet!) And then they watch for any pictures of illegal activity or status changes that conflict with your alibis.

So, next time you get a friend request, ask them, “Are you a cop?” If they say no, then they’re probably lying because they’re undercover, so you should destroy your computer.

She ain’t heavy, she’s a mother

It was speculated that the Guinness Book of World Records deliberately got rid of “fattest person” and “fattest pet” type records in order to avoid discouraging deliberately dangerous behavior.

Of course, the world tends to not include New Jersey in it (would you?). As such, Donna Simpson is on the road to fame!

And diabetes. And a heart attack. And infamy. And breathing problems. And a higher health insurance premium. And death.

Simpson, a resident of New Jersey, has decided to become the world’s fattest woman. She’s given no reason for wanting to be the bearer of that title, but, well … we’re just going to assume that it’s a New Jersey thing. Of course, she might be able to deduct her weekly grocery bill, $815, and this quest as a business expense, since she runs a Web site where viewers can watch her eat fast food.

I do believe that this might be the most f#$%ed up story on SeriouslyGuys yet.

Just don’t ask him to do daytime stump speeches

With the presidential election only two and a half years away (seriously, news networks?), things are getting tense. We know who the Democrats will be running, but who is going to represent the Republicans? Perhaps Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey.

He’s 45, he lives in Florida, he recently joined the GOP after a stint as an independent, and oh yeah, he claims to be a vampire, just ask his 19-year-old fiancee, an Ohio native he met online. His platform: um, he’s apparently a descendant of Vlad the Impaler, was engaged to a 16-year-old Minnesota girl last month, but they now have a restraining order on him, and he also has a bit of history with the law, including the Secret Service are monitoring him.

Key quote: “I haven’t dated a girl older than 19 since 2006,” said the Tampa man as his 19-year-old daughter and his 2-year-old grandson met him at the Greyhound station. “It’s good to be me.”

(Thanks Dave)