Day: March 19, 2010

You Missed It: Spread of insanity edition

If you’re like me, you didn’t really celebrate St. Patrick’s Day on Wednesday–because you have a job that keeps you from getting wasted most weekday nights. I’m celebrating my Irish heritage by binge drinking this weekend–and next weekend. If you were busy cheating on Sandra Bullock, odds are you missed it.

Are you ready to watch an orange ball go through a hoop with a net attached?
The NCAA men’s basketball tournament, or as I call it, March Craziness (trademark), is now underway. This means that if you like basketball in any way, you will accomplish nothing at work for the next couple weeks. For some of us, it means paying attention to colleges we’ve never heard of. It also means it’s time to gamble on things like how hoarse(r) Dick Vitale will get if Duke does well.

Death by Biden
As previously mentioned, St. Patrick’s Day was celebrated by Catholics, Irish and drunkards around the world. In a ceremony with Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen Wednesday, Vice President Joe Biden honored the memory of Cowen’s mother–who, as it turns out, is still alive. In Irish tradition, Cowen broke down crying, lamenting the loss of his mother and ordered a hog’s head of whisky.

There’s always the reality show money
In “this thing still isn’t over with?” news, a judge decided that Anna Nicole Smith’s estate will not get the $300 million she had claimed was promised to her after her 90-year-old husband died. So, take that, 3-year-old whose mother and brother are dead, and whose father was identified by DNA test because there were several paternity candidates!

Typing scourge returns

Since the dawn of backspace-able typing, which allowed normal people to type all day without pausing to change paper or catch the bubonic plague, a creeping pain has stricken the most tenacious, doughy workers: CTS. Carpal. Tunnel. Syndrome.

You’d hear about it at work, usually from the doughy guy in the next cubicle who wore a backbrace just to sit in the car right and lived in constant flux between asthma and allergy attacks. Or from the single-mom across the hall that threatened the company with a lawsuit if they didn’t swap out her furniture with ergonomically-designed Swedish health balls.

If you thought it was gone, think again. It’s back, and just like Jason, it’s feeding on our teenagers.

We’re not even safe in the arctic

A group of polar scientists were testing out a new method of drilling through layers of ice in the antarctic. When they dropped a camera deep into the dark waters, they were flabbergasted to discover a tiny orange crustacean. Shrimp live in the cold and freezing waters of the arctic.

The camera was mounted on a pole. The dark, scalloped ridges you seen in the ice are caused by the special drill the scientists used, which is essentially a jet of warm water that slowly melts the ice away. Once the camera had gone deep enough, they were startled to see this prawn frolicking around the camera – no one had expected any crustaceans beneath the ice in the dark, frozen waters of the antarctic.

Nowhere are we safe from these krilly little monsters. It’s time to reclaim two things that the animals are trying to take from us: the arctic waters and our hunger. Luckily, getting rid of these new found shrimp can solve both problems.

Scurry to … Parliament?

Anna Arrowsmith is running for the British Parliament. She’s running as a liberal and she’s fairly well known–she’s also a porn director.

Arrowsmith, who directs under the pseudonym Anna Span, considers herself a “female-friendly” porn (as opposed to all those female unfriendly pornos?) director. Best of all, the election is only weeks away!

If we were English, she’d get our vote, as long as she promised not to bring her camera to Parliament.