Health care reform was signed into law this week. Half the country is not happy. They feel like everything they know about health care and the insurance industry (which is, by design of both systems, not much) has been turned on its head and that this is the beginning of the end of America.
I could write a counter-argument about why they’re exaggerating this situation, trying to vilify the half of America that thinks it’s a good idea.
I could ignore them and celebrate a minuscule victory that, in the long scheme, will matter very little to the day-to-day lives of most people.
But both of those options would just be an insult to their pain. The way I figure, the debate’s over, so it’s time to get back together. To reunite over the things that we all love and hate. Here is the list that could very well usher in a new era of harmony … until the next bill is proposed.
(Please send all Nobel Peace Prizes to my work address. I’ve got some coworkers in dire need of a good flauntin’.)
We all love …
I love it, you love it. The name is funny by itself, and hilarious when pronounced with a lisp or soft palette. Even vegetarians love it because the meat balls are avoidable, which is why I grind my meat into very small chunks.
Who doesn’t love puppies? Whether it’s because they’re adorable or because you can’t get an erection without seeing one die, the point is they’re in “My Favorite Things.” (Not sure what the “woolen mittens” part is about, but we all have our kinks.)
… The Muppets
You know why everyone loves The Muppets, even anti-drug conservatives? Because they were rebellious back in the ’70s. Nobody can blame them for that. Name someone that didn’t have a hand up somebody’s ass back then.
Who doesn’t love to receive complements? In fact, I love to give them out, especially to people I just met, like: “Your camel toe looks hearty and resplendent today.”
We all hate …
… The Amish
We all know they’re up to something. They claim to reject all technology, yet they’re OK with ploughs, blankets and whatever the heck shaves their mustaches off without affecting their beards. They also have not participated in any American wars, which means they don’t hate the British, Nazis or Grenadians.
All I’m saying is that it will only take one neutron bomb for the Amish to rule the world.
STEVE: Man, I’m worried about Bill.
PETE: Why? What’s wrong?
STEVE: He’s on drugs.
PETE: So? I’m high right now.
STEVE: 1) It’s 8 am. 2) I think he’s doing harder stuff, like coke.
PETE: Yeah, I tried coke a few times. Never made a habit of it.
STEVE: And meth.
PETE: Meth’s bad, but I can see why people do it.
STEVE: Bill’s also shooting heroin.
It doesn’t matter how pro-drug you are. Even heroin users think heroin is gross. There aren’t even good songs about it.
James Cameron managed to alienate (heh) everyone with his latest masterpiece:
- Anti-environmentalists who don’t necessarily burn down forests but hate it when someone tells them that they shouldn’t.
- Post-colonial literary critics who are tired of that whole “white guy is taken out of his bubble and becomes the leader of noble savages that can’t take care of themselves” plot line.
- Star Trek and Star Wars geeks who hate Avatar geeks for becoming depressed that they can’t live with the Na’vi. (Welcome to our world, newbs. Stiff upper lip.)
- Half-blind people who couldn’t be impressed by the film’s only redeeming quality: awesome 3D.