The McBournie Minute: I have a problem

Apologies again for the absence of the Minute last week. I had no power Monday afternoon through about 10 pm that night, and when the power came on I had had a few. Writing was not the best idea. At least I made a cameo writing Eat My Sports last week.

I also have another thing I need to apologize to you about. This is not easy for me to say at all, but I have to be brave and come out and say it. Folks, I am an addict. I’ve been one for years. It started off when I was a kid, I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but as I got older, things got worse. Now I’m coming clean.

As with most people, I experimented in college. I thought I could handle it–that I could quit any time I wanted to. I was wrong. Before I knew it, I was hooked worse than ever before. My body would tell me I needed another hit, so I gave in every time. I’m struggling to recover even today from my addiction to fast food. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: I have a problem

There’s always room in J-A-I-L-O

If there’s one age group that cannot be trusted, it’s the elderly.

Their changing bodies, hormonal shifts and lack of employment to occupy their wandering minds combine to create the perfect criminal.

The latest case of geriatric delinquency comes from Long Island, New York, where a couple in their sixties were confronted by police for committing a Jell-O scheme.

For the unfamiliar, a Jell-O scheme is a form of financial fraud where the criminal buys boxes of Jell-O mix, makes the Jell-O, eats the Jell-O and then fills the box, reseals it and returns it to the store for a full refund.

The culprits reportedly racked in a 100-percent profit of $1.40 per caper (not including purchases made on double coupon days).

Do the witch test to be sure

It gave the villagers the finger, so there’s no recourse but to flip nature off and kill the damned things.

That’s the theory we’re coming up with at SG Plaza over the aye-aye. Reportedly, the creature from Madagascar is very close to being put in the endangered column due to superstitious beliefs regarding it in the Madagascan culture. Why so? Local legends say that it would attempt to use its extra long middle finger to stab the heart (or maybe just STAB AT THEE-see, I got it right this time, Rick and Groonk) of sleeping citizens. It probably doesn’t help that it never seemed to have evolve the “fear of humans” gene.

Here’s a twist: what if they’re utterly delicious? Eh? Maybe superstition was just a reason cooked up to mess with outsiders. Betcha never thought about that, huh?

This is war, and in this new and exciting politically correct and culturally sensitive world, why should we put a creature above a culture? I bet they wouldn’t do the same for us.

Prison break–in

Some people in the world hate freedom, as the American government is happy to remind us from time to time, but there are also people who hate their own freedom.

A man convicted of manslaughter earlier this year was sentenced to 15 years of prison for trying to break into jail. Yes, into. The man apparently was afraid the family of his victim would harm him, and decided to break into a jail in Florida to keep himself safe. Breaking into jail is a crime, for some reason, but this probably doesn’t happen very often.