Month: April 2010

You Missed It: Secret of the ooze edition

I’m back, I know both of you missed me. What did I miss while I was gone? Apparently, a fair amount. I would like to thank Chugs “Chris” Taylor not only for handling YMI in my absence, but for actively encouraging the ruination of my trip. He is the Glenn Beck of vacations. Anyway, if you were busy trying to keep brown people out of your state, odds are you missed it.

Where’s Bruce Willis from ‘Armageddon’ when you need him?
Oil drilling is dangerous, and like evil, man. You remember the eco-stoners in college, right? Now they have more fodder to preach. An oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico is beginning to wash ashore in Louisiana, with no end for at least a month. Pop the popcorn, then sit back and enjoy as the first images of bird covered in oil. That’s how we tar and feather our enemies in America, baby!

Don’t say we didn’t warn you
We’ve been telling you for years now that aliens are bad, and it looks like Stephen Hawking is joining our ranks. He said recently that mankind shouldn’t be so excited to rush off and find life on other planets, because there’s good chance that they are more advanced than us and will enslave us as soon as they realize we exist. After that, Hawking theorized, it will take Space Abraham Lincoln to save us.

Reminder: Your .45 is not a utensil
The Tennessee senate passed a bill this week that would require restaurants to put up signs reminding patrons that guns are not allowed. However, guns are allowed in bars. Can someone go let Plaxico Burress know about this when he gets out of jail?

Kidz Korner: Klassroom Edition

Hey, kidz! It’s been awhile since the court allowed us to run one of our Kidz Korner features, which is so very, very whack. But, we’re back, so it’s time for us to talk–no grown-ups allowed.

If you’re a student in Arizona, then you might have noticed your mommies and daddies frothing at the mouth a bit, especially if they’re European-Americans. It may seem a little crazy or wrong, especially when they’re trying to get rid of your Mexican-American teachers and students.

Just make sure you know that it’s not racist. Continue reading Kidz Korner: Klassroom Edition

Say hello to my shameless plug

Tomorrow, kids and kittens, is national Free Comic Book Day. It’s not an official holiday-yet.

But give it time.

Anyways, I implore our audience to attend using the link above. You can easily locate a store close to you, and there are plenty of books for everyone out there, ranging from different tastes to various ages. For those in my neck of the woods, I encourage you to stop by Cosmic Castle, located in Towers Shopping Center, over by Crock & Roll and High Peak Sportswear. I mean, what else are you gonna do, visit the Strawberry Festival?

Pond scum … in … spaaaaaaaace

Dear Mister President Sir Obama: please do not exterminalate NASA yet. We may very well need them sooner than we think.

Reportedly, pond scum has been found on Mars. Pond scum, the building blocks of life (okay, not really), was discovered on a secret mission to the red planet. A secret mission. What does this mean?

ALIENS ARE ATTEMPTING TO TAKE OVER OUR WATER SUPPLY. Do not be surprised if we eventually hear an announcement stating “IM IN UR DAM KILLING ALL UR AMOEBAS.”

Now, obviously, since the origin of this is a tabloid, it’s advised to take this news with a heaping helping of salt. Just make sure to save some so that we can dry out the pond scum alienoids. It could be our only way to fight back.

White House penetrates lubed Gulf

Probe. Drill. Leak. Explosion.

It seems that nothing can be described in Washington without the description turning into a narrative of the world’s most clinical date rape and/or toiletgasm.

And today’s headline employs three out of four of those words. You’re welcome!

In a world where power comes at a price …

You know what would make a great action movie? Get a group of scientists who have access to a laser that’s 300 yards long, and make them evil enough to use it to start a nuclear reaction that would end up creating a star bloom on Earth that may destroy the planet–or create a new source of energy for all mankind.

It’s no Jerry Bruckheimer movie, it’s real. And it’s only a few decades away from being useful, after millions of tax dollars have been dumped into the program.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Coffy’

Quick note, kids and kittens: this Saturday, May 1, is Free Comic Book Day. If you go into a comic book store, you will be able to come out with at least one special free comic book. There are ones for all ages, so don’t be afraid-embrace what you may or may not have seen yet. Also, if you’re in the Roanoke Valley area, or can get to it easily, I would highly recommend stopping by Cosmic Castle, located in Towers Shopping Center, over by Crock & Roll. Cosmic Castle is staffed with wonderfully intelligent and witty employees that can help you out at a moment’s notice, and will readily do so.

We close out yet another blaxploitation month with the movie that’s widely regarded by many as what made Pam Grier famous: Coffy. I’ve got to say that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed this month. Blaxploitation movies are one of my favorite movie genres, but not in a “so bad it’s good” kind way-I truly love these movies. There’s something about the rawness, the grit, the from-the-heart feeling that stems from their craft that just gets me smiling. These types of movies are easily a go-to for me.

What’s also been great about this month is that we’ve taken a look at some really shining examples of the genre. Not only have the previous movies reviewed been good blaxploitation movies, but I’ll readily argue that they’re great movies-no extra qualifier. But does Coffy get to join these movies in their greatness? Well, they can’t all be amazing. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Coffy’

The World at War … with Animals!

Our boys are fighting bravely all over the world, including in our own backyards and crawlspaces. Remember: buy bacon, or you’re a damn dirty ape!

And now, briefs from the War on Animals.

Caged Bleat!
Connecticut authorities have locked up two goats in the state prison, sentencing them to hard labor. The goats were turned in by farmers who didn’t want them anymore, probably for domestic terrorist attacks against their cans.

PETA burns man alive!
Species traitors and terrorist organization PETA has claimed responsibility for the future cremation of an Oregonian Oreganoan Oregranarian a guy from Oregon. They have already announced how they will desecrate their victim’s remains with pithy slogans and their logo.

The least they could do after cooking him is to eat him. You know, Native American-style.

MADE PAINSTAKINGLY BY ME!

We here at SG have a huge amount of respect for Samuel L. Jackson. Sure he’s been a great actor for years, but honestly, for us, Snakes On a Plane launched him into the stratosphere of untouchable, the man is a ####ing badass god. Which is why we are finding it odd that Jackson would apologize to Naomi Watts after they shot a love scene in the upcoming film Mother and Child.

Sam, you apologize for nothing. In fact, Watts should be thanking you for getting to be naked in front of you. And when people ask you what scene it is, just say it’s the one that says “badass mother ####er on it.”