Day: April 9, 2010

You Missed It: The Devil’s due edition

You can smell it in the air, can’t you? It’s the smell of hot dogs, freshly cut grass, beer, and vomit. Yes, baseball season is here once again. It’s time to break out the tar, scratch yourself and spit often and for no apparent reason. If you were busy massacring The Beatles’ best work this week, odds are you missed it.

The end of March Craziness
In a case of David vs. Goliath, Good vs. Evil, Justice vs. Crime, Black vs. White, On vs. Off, Up vs. Down and Peanut Butter vs. Jelly, Butler and Duke squared off in the NCAA men’s basketball final. Missing a buzzer-beater and down by two points, Butler fell to Duke, a decision that pleased virtually no one. In other news, someone beat someone else in women’s basketball the other day.

Don’t mess with the perks of a job
Working at a brewery isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, just ask the staff at Carlsberg. Warehouse workers and truck drivers are on strike for the second day in a row. Why? It’s not because of a wage cut, or a mandate for longer hours. No, the bastards are ending their free beer policy. And this, Republicans, is why we have unions.

It took three days–seriously
A man in Oregon beat the world record for points in the video game “Asteroids” during a webcast attempt. We know what you’re thinking. Yes, ladies. He’s still available.

Schadenfreude: The taste you know

In an uncertain world, we rely on the few certain things in our lives or–more importantly–the lives of others to make everything make sense. It’s what wakes us up in the morning, ready to face whatever uncertainties the world will throw at us.

There, that should be enough Schadenfreude to get you to five o’clock. It’s the taste you know you love, especially after pouring it in Jesse James’ rehabed lap.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

His next trick is turning water into PHISH

Dear hippies of the world,

Stop. Just stop. It’s not funny anymore. Lay off the drugs. Sure, you had your time, I mean, the late sixties onward into the mid-seventies or so, those were great years for you all. But let’s face it-you’re just not enjoyable anymore. Bryan McBournie can’t stand you all crowding his home state. Hunter S. Thompson used you only for your drugs, and he didn’t even pay for them! The first Woodstock was something of legend, but every single one after that consisted of selling out to the man. Yeah, real counterculture, that.

And what’s this? Now you’ve found an image of Jesus in a tie-dyed shirt? Scratch that-you think you’ve found an image of Jesus in a tie-dyed shirt? I’ll have you know that I see a cow skull, which seems pretty anti-Jesus if you ask me. Without getting into the concept of religion, don’t you think that’s a bit of a stretch? Get off the pipe and into a nice, sensible pair of slacks without holes in them. You’ll thank me later.

Sincerely, Chris

Oh, and while I’ve got you here, get rid of patchouli oil as a whole. Seriously, who was the dummy that thought smelling like feces was a good idea?

Don’t give him a gun

Southeast Asian countries are usually on our side, with their non-existent pollution laws and general fear of endangered species, but Thailand is breaking from tradition.

Police have recruited a pig-tailed macaque monkey, which now helps patrol one of the provinces in Thailand. Folks, it’s one thing to train dogs to assist police officers, they don’t have hands. It’s something totally different to teach something far more intelligent the ways of our justice system.