Day: April 20, 2010

Eat My Sports: NBA finally has a point

Well after months of meaningless basketball, we are now finally at the two-month long apex of the NBA known as the playoffs. That’s right kids, you can start cheering now for who (Cleveland) will win in June. The suspense.

If you’re like me, and most of you aren’t because I still pull for that donkey dung of a NBA franchise in New York, you are pulling for Cleveland to lose immediately. Thus putting into effect a series of events that land Dwayne Wade and LeBron James in the Big Apple in the beginning of July. But for the rest of you, you want my crystal ball predictions that are freaking on point. I know we’re already two games in, but here are my round one predictions for series already in progress, sue me.

(1)Cleveland Cavaliers versus (8)Chicago Bulls
Insulted that Bulls’ center Joakim Noah thinks there is nothing to do in Cleveland, LeBron James takes Noah to meet Mike Holmgren at an all-you-can-eat buffet, where Noah is then mistakenly confused for a pork chop.
Cavs in five

(2)Orlando Magic versus (7)Charlotte Bobcats
If we’ve learned anything the past few years it is that the Magic can bully almost any team in a series. And we’ve also learned that Vince Carter, like kids on the 10th grade JV team, likes to wear t-shirts underneath his jersey.
Magic in six Continue reading Eat My Sports: NBA finally has a point

Irony alert

WONK WONK WONK!

Somebody, start thinking of the children!

In 2009, candy-like nicotine orbs were released into the market, designed for people who need that nicotine fix but are in a no-smoking at all situation. They’re small, dissoluble and come in two delightful flavors: cinnamon and mint. There’s no way that could cause trouble.

Oh, right-children will put anything into their mouth that can fit in it. Yeeps. That appears to be causing a bit of a problem among the kiddies, as they’re popping the orbs like there’s no tomorrow when they can get their fat little hands on them, resulting in infant and child poisoning. Who would guessed?

Animals buttering us up for offensive

The military is concerned about fat, and with today’s national security concerns, they should be. Because animals won’t rest until you, your family and everyone you know is fat, slow and delicious.

Retired U.S. military officers are recommending that Congress regulate and spend more on school lunches. They cite an increased problem with turning away rising numbers of obese recruits. And they believe that school lunches, high in grease, fat and soda are the culprit.

We all know where school lunches come from, people: animals. From the Salisbury steak to the bacon bits in the green beans to paste in kindergarten class, animals are fattening themselves up on hormones and protein to disable our fighting men and women.

But that’s not all: animals are also trying to curb our exercise.

Water aerobics classes in Darwin, Australia are canceled until a crocodile leaves the pool or at least promises not to eat anyone. Without water aerobics, how will Australia’s military get into shape? HOW?

The dead are getting into politics again

In Tennessee, they have a loose definition of the word “alive.”

Carl Robin Geary was running for mayor of Tracy City, Tennessee, but died weeks before the election. The only problem is he didn’t stay dead. His death didn’t even stop the campaign, or his supporters. As it ended up, Geary crushed his opponent in the recent election.

His opponent had been serving as mayor until the previous one died. We have no word on whether that mayor stayed dead.