Day: April 21, 2010

Take it from Snee: Your army’s so fat

As this Web site reported on Tuesday, the obesity epidemic in this country now affects our national security.  One-quarter of all 17-24 year-olds exceed recruitment weight limits. And what’s the big deal about one-fourth? An additional half are in ineligible because they dropped out of high school, have criminal records or have non-Big Mac-related medical issues.

That’s three-quarters of our Selective Service. If we suddenly needed a draft to fight off human waves of Canadians, we’d be forced to sew uniforms together, widen trigger holes, and hollow out tanks to equip our nation of fatasses–so long as they don’t have to run anywhere.

At least, that sounds like it would be a problem until you consider that, while recruits are turned away for being too overweight, active duty soldiers are being discharged for the same reason. Our military is fat! In order to support our troops, they’ll need those Rascal scooters to get to combat zones!

But, is this really a problem? Are our young warriors really Too Fat to Fight? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Your army’s so fat

Steel City six pack

In a move that can be called all things copout, Roger Goodell has suspended Pittsburgh Steelers’ sexual dynamo Ben Roethlisberger six games for violating the NFL’s personal conduct policy. Roethlisberger, who was never charged (but a very ugly picture was portrayed) now joins a list of actually charged, and convicted,  criminals to be suspended by the iron fist of Goodell.

Why a copout you ask? Timing. Because you know, the media is just going to bury any form of a fight against the length amid the draft and upcoming weekend layoff. Lame.

Don’t thank heaven quite so quickly

This week, convenience-store chain 7-Eleven announced it would begin carrying its own budget brand of beers, dubbed Game Day. They’ve gotten into the wine business before, but this is new. Is 7-Eleven angling to be your low-cost craft-beer salvation?

Nooooooot exactly. As expected, the decision was driven less by a desire to sell great brews than the bottom line. Beer purchases in convenience stores dipped 4 percent last year, according to research group SymphonyIRI — nearly double domestic beer sales’ 2.2 percent decline.

But the silver lining is that purchases of horrid disgusting loser “sub-premium” beers (Keystone Light, Natural Light) actually ticked up. Customers haven’t stopped drinking. They just want to pay less for a buzz.

Sometimes this gambit pays off, such as the medal-winning Mission Street pale ales and IPAs that California’s Firestone Walker brews for Trader Joe’s. But brand-wise, Trader Joe’s sits on a slightly more elevated plane than a convenience store selling unnaturally glistening, endlessly rotating hot dogs.

We’ve wasted our lives

If there’s one thing The Guys prize about ourselves, it’s our giant, throbbing brains. We’ve spent the past several years training hard, working both lobes evenly and drinking to prune the weaker brain cells to become thought-mongering mentalists.

And it appears that it was all for naught.

According to a study launched by the BBC, brain training games–like those for the Nintendo DS–do not actually improve brain function … unless that function is to play brain training games better. Otherwise:

  • Our math still sucks.
  • Our cold fusion machine still only makes espresso.
  • And, we’ve yet to solve a single case in our Batmen Detective agency.

What’s next, BBC? Are you going to tell us that we’ll never beat Olympic records using Wii Fit? Because that’s real athletic training … with practically weightless controllers … on a balance board like what most decathletes use … sonnova—

Fruits of the poisonous tree

Men in Columbia are like men anywhere else, aside from the fact that they hang people in helicopters from time to time.

If you saw cases of beer left unattended at a city dump, what would you do? Would you go over and comfort the lonely bottles, letting them know it would all be OK? Would you rescue them, take them home and adopt them?

That’s exactly what two sanitation workers in Columbia did. Rescuing 50 of 700 cases of expired beer from the depths of abandonment at the dump. Now they might be charged with theft of city property.

FREE THE COLUMBIA TWO!