Eat My Sports: The most shocking of moments

Bryan Schools is off for the next three weeks because he is getting married and going on a honeymoon. When he gets back, he’ll probably have a hyphenated last name, please do not make fun of him. For the next three Tuesdays, you’ll have a rotating cast of guest writers for Eat My Sports, starting off with me, Bryan McBournie.

By now, we’ve all seen the video. Then again, if you haven’t, here it is. A 17-year-old Philadelphia Phillies fan jumped on the field during a game against the St. Louis Cardinals last night. He ran around, waving a white cloth or shirt or something, dodging four or five security guards.

ZAP! Down he goes. The kid was shocked with a Taser by a Philadelphia Police officer, handcuffed, and hauled away. The teen seemed to be OK, but you can hear the boos when the arrest is made. This leads me to the logical conclusion: we need more Tasers in sports. Continue reading Eat My Sports: The most shocking of moments

Worst. Comics thief. Ever

A comics thief tried to slip a [unintelligible amount of foreign currency] copy of the X-Men Omnibus into his bag in an Australian comic book store. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for his irrational fear of friendly neighborhood Spider-Men.

The Spider-Man in question was actually mild-mannered comic store owner, Michael Baulderstone, who cannot actually weave a web anytime, yet still captured the unidentified thief just like a fly.

A gaggle of Jedi Knights blocked the door to prevent any escape, presumably via pumpkin bombing, and The Flash stood uselessly by. (Seriously, how often do you need a running guy?)

Police arrived on scene to haul the robber in. They did not have a key to the city to present at the time.

Put down the po’boy

MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION. MAY I PLEASE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION.

THE RESULTS ARE IN AND I THINK YOU’LL WANT TO KNOW THIS. YEP, IT’S TRUE. MISSISSIPPI, YOU’RE KNOCKED UP THE STATE WITH THE FATTEST KIDS.

Now that I have your attention, I’ll stop using all-caps. I apologize for that, but it was the only way to get through to your cholesterol soaked brains. You see, it was a necessary evil in order to communicate the bad news that the US Health Resources and Services Administration has declared to the country. It would seem that you’ve allowed your number of obese children to rise to 22 percent. That’s a lot of fat kids loving cake.

Sorry for the Curtis Jackson reference. Less deep frying of okra and more steaming of okra instead?

Anyways, there is some good news-for Oregon. That state apparently has the least amount of obese kids, with just 10 percent. That’s not nearly as bad as yours. For shame, M-I-CROOKED LETTER-CROOKED LETTER-I-CROOKED LETTER-CROOKED LETTER-I-HUMPBACK-HUMPBACK-I. Maybe you should be a lot more like them and a lot less like you.

What about house sitting?

Let’s face it, folks, the world is coming to an end very soon, just ask Kirk Cameron or Roland Emmerich. But as we all know, only good Christians are going to go directly to Heaven when the rapture comes.

Of course, this leaves a logistical problem: If I am suddenly going to be taken off the face of the Earth in the Rapture, who is going to take care of my cats, who have no souls, and thus, will not be able to go to Heaven with me?

Enter Bart Centre, atheist author who is offering to watch your pets for a fee when God calls you home without even killing you first. After all, the atheists will be left behind, since they, like the animals, have no souls, only a strong sense of superiority. Centre’s Eternal Earth-Bound Pets offers a 10-year contract for $110. Baptize your pets today and save yourself some money.