Day: May 7, 2010

You Missed It: Take me out at the ballgame edition

Friday is here again. I’m already enjoying the weekend, because I had a half day at work. At the time of this posting, I’m not even near a computer. So how am I typing this? Spooky. If you accidentally hurt the stock market by typing “billion” instead of “million,” odds are you missed it.

Feel the baseball energy!
In keeping with the quality, wholesome sports fan tradition Philadelphia is known for, Phillies fans shouted “Tase ’em again” as security guard and police officers chased a spectator in the outfield just one night after a teenager was shocked during his arrest. The new guy wasn’t shocked, but he was arrested, and charged with among other things, marijuana possession. Yes, he had a bag of pot on him when he jumped onto the field. Brilliant.

Fire bad
So, yeah, remember that whole “Neanderthal” thing way back tens of thousands of years ago? Well, um, apparently some of our human ancestors got it on with the Neanderthals, even though God clearly said, “Hey, those are not your kind. Stay away.” So, apparently science found that some people are up to 4% Neanderthal. We’re looking at you, Ben Roethlisberger.

Wait–he was Canadian?
The Los Angeles County coroner’s office said that actor Corey Haim did not die from a drug overdose. It was actually pneumonia, with breathing and blood circulation problems. If you bet on this one in Las Vegas, you would be one very, very rich man right now.

Get a head start on ruining a life

Parents, we know you work hard to embarrass your children on a daily basis, knocking them down a peg or two so they don’t grow up to be douchebags. Let’s face it: sometimes you have to pants them in a footrace so they’ll get ahead in life.

But, are you starting early enough? Sure, you could start at birth with dorky clothes, maybe even a diaper changing in a public place.

We’re not talking about exposing them to the Rent soundtrack while in the womb. We don’t even mean inhaling citronella candles during conception. No, much earlier.

You could pledge to name your child after a Twilight character. Right now.

But you’d better do it soon. Over 43,000 children already have this edge over your precious tax deduction.

What can you get for 89 cents?

Apparently a snake bite.

A black rat snake bit a cop at a Taco Bell. Now, mind you, the black rat snake is one of the most non-intimidating snakes out there in the world. It doesn’t help the officer that the snake was mistakenly reported originally as a boa.

Nonetheless, this is all irrelevant.

As human beings, we don’t ask for a lot in this world, and let’s face it, if you’re eating at Taco Bell, then you’re clearly not getting a lot (except the eventual Taco Smells). The sheer fact that the animals are now invading even the greasiest of our worst fast food establishments is inexcusable and an outrage of the highest level. Let’s take it to them, people!

We’ve had parties like that

What’s the largest gathering of pirates, you ask? Well, it’s 1,722. How do we know that? The Guys are all about pirates, and the world record just so happened to be broken recently in Brixham, England. Apparently they’re OK with piracy now.

The previous record had been held 1,651 in Portland, Ore., a town actually known for piracy.