The McBournie Minute: Black tuxedo, black label

If you’ll forgive me, I’m a  bit exhausted right now. Also, I believe my system is still trying to flush out the last of the whiskey. I had quite a time over the weekend. I know what you’re thinking and no, it wasn’t my average bender. It was the wedding of Bryan Schools.

I was the best man, so on Friday I got out of work early to meet up with my girlfriend and head down to Richmond, Virginia for the rehearsal that night. The wedding was at The Jefferson, which is alleged to be the swankiest hotel in town. From what I saw, that held up.

We only ran through the rehearsal once, and somehow, all of the groomsmen and bridesmaids were able to get it down pat on the first take, like Frank Sinatra. Sure, all we had to do was walk in and line up in a symmetrical way with the ladies. But it was a lot to remember. For example, we had to remember to keep our hands clasped in front of us. This was very important. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Black tuxedo, black label

Uncle Joe still killing followers

The owner of a museum dedicated to former top Commie and 31-consecutive-year mustache champion Josef Stalin was electrocuted and bludgeoned to death at a tennis court.

Police are still looking for a motive, having already dismissed one theory that the man’s lime green ski cap confused tennis players. Even former KGB tennis enthusiasts have long abandoned the practice of tasing balls before game time.

Once investigations are over, he will be buried in honor of his life’s work: in an unmarked grave and quietly erased from history.

How do I know your junk is small?

I used the image scanner.

Awk-ward.

But at least I didn’t make fun about it over and over and over. Because that might push you to get a little angry and possibly try to beat me with a police baton. But only after you’ve forced me to my knees and made me apologize profusely because you can’t take it anymore. And only at our job in an employee parking lot at Miami International Airport, because we’re airport screeners.

But if that happened, you might have to be Rolando Negrin, right? Yeah.

Drink your way to employment

If you’re getting down about not having a job, you’re not alone. The recession is getting people down, so down that they head to a local drinking establishment to drown their sorrows. Well, one New York bar is trying to help out their customers, and not just by numbing their senses with alcohol.

O’Casey’s has set up an unemployment center in their pub. Now, you can go have a few, then start filling out job applications. Who wouldn’t want to hire you when you’re soused?

[via Consumerist]