Day: May 12, 2010

Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

There won’t be any letters this week. I want to talk to you about your health and some of my concerns. You may not realize it, but you–yes, you–are unhealthy.

Doctors and lesser scientists have tried everything to make you healthier. We told you that if you got into shape, you’d have more frequent and better sex. When we discovered that fat people and coat racks still manage to have sex, we tried to tell you sex is exercise. That just led to sex toys and the Internet.

We even tried to use food against you. We told you that you could lose weight by eating steak, every f#@king day. You could eat bacon every hour of the day, so long as you didn’t put it in bread. And you still blew it.

And that’s why I’m writing to you today. I’m feed up, so like a high school parent, the government and I are going to pay you for every passed physical. But, any time you do some unhealthy, we’re gonna take some of that money back.

It’s called incentivizing, and it’s the new Atkins. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

Australian superhero not your normal stereotype

Or possibly one at all. At least, not the usual Australian stereotypes of “HOLYCRAPEVERYTHINGHEREWILLKILLYOU.”

A man in the country, Andrew Leich, managed to take parenting to a whole new level of dedication by allowing a car to crash into him in order to save his baby. THAT IS BADASS.

It’s been reported that the baby is okay and without any injuries. We’re assuming that the same can be said about Leich, as he was asked about the incident. Also, we assume that because he’s apparently made of pure iron.

Arizona kills Home EKKKonomics classes

In yet another reactionary move against an imagined enemy, Arizona has passed a new bill, this time to ban “schools from teaching classes that are designed for students of a particular ethnic group, promote resentment or advocate ethnic solidarity over treating pupils as individuals.”

So, that should remove the following classes from Arizona schools:

1) Any language class. English? Spanish? French? They all sound like an insidious attempt to change the way we think, starting with the voice in our heads. Plus, we all know that the native speakers typically take these courses because they’re an easy A … well, except English.

2) American History. Oh, so we’re only going to learn about Americans, eh? Let’s look at the section on World War II–just as we thought! Anti-Nazi biases! And just where are the sections about famous Asian-American philosophers?

3) Lunch. The spice levels of cafeteria food are clearly set for a Caucasian digestive tract.

4) Physical Education. We’re OK with keeping PE if they don’t teach basketball. Or baseball. Or soccer. Basically, they just need to teach non-team sports that the white kids can excel at while encouraging their individuality.

Arizona: where passing unenforceable laws is OK, so long as they can convince Mexicans to move along.

Son of God sighting

Jesus has returned, and he lives in Massachusetts.

We’re as surprised by the news as you are, but it seems to be true. A man whose name is Lord Jesus Christ was crossing a street in Northampton, Mass. when he was hit by a 20-year-old woman. Luckily, God was with him that day, and he received only minor injuries, which were treated at the hospital.

It’s a pretty sure thing that if you hit Christ with your car, you’re going to spend a few extra days in purgatory.