Month: May 2010

Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

Note from Snee: Normally, you would find the ranting of a handsome man in this space. However, I’ve been offered the deal of a lifetime this week: selling my space this week to a Congressional candidate and taking the day off. See you next week, suckers!

Hi, I’m Rand Paul.

Some of you might know me because of my father, always-a-Senator-and-never-a-President Ron Paul. Others of you might know me from my practice as an ophthalmologist. (Whew! Thanks, Spell-Check!) And some of you might have already voted for me in the Republican primary and look forward to voting for me in the Kentucky general election.

Thank you for your support so far, but I’m not writing to you today.

Under the advisement of my new campaign manager, the talented and non-classically-attractive Rick Snee, I am writing in this SeriouslyGuys space to express some SeriouslyOpinions. (He assured me that his millions of readers would find this hilarious.) Continue reading Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

You eyeballin’ me, boy?

No? Then you must not be very cool.

“Eyeballing“–which the kids pronounce with an emphasis on the “g” at the end as they’re all about annunciation these days–is a new teenaged drinking trend where high schoolers pour vodka into each others’ eyes.

The process reportedly gets them drunker faster and can cause corneal scarring. Also, it makes for “totes sweet YouTubes.”

If you are a parent, your child could be doing this … right now. To call them out on it, look for the following warning signs:

  • Red, swollen eyes that have difficulty focusing or holding down a job.
  • Visine bottles that reek of potatoes.
  • Lingo like “Pinko Eye,”Gawking at Lenin’s Tomb”,” “social justice” and, when asked if they’ve been drinking, they reply, “N’yet.”

Once you have diagnosed the problem, please, teach your teenager how to drink like a normal child.

Five. Five dollar. Five dollar trademark.

When you hear “footlong,” does a Subway sandwich immediately come to mind? The company hopes so: They’re taking measures to trademark the term for their twelve-inch sandwiches, but being met with some strong resistance.

Subway is taking an aggressive approach, sending cease-and-desist letters to mom-and-pop restaurants, including some that have been using “footlong” in their marketing for decades. For example, Coney Island Drive Inn in Brookfield, FL, has been selling footlong hot dogs for forty years, even using the term in its web address. Subway’s legal department recently sent them a strongly worded letter:

“You must immediately remove all references to FOOTLONG ™ in association with sandwiches.”

From a legal standpoint, the question is this: Can “footlong” be considered a trademarkable term? Food purveyors who have for years used “footlong” as a descriptor are stepping up to say that it’s too generic; Subway, however, argues that their relentless use of the term in advertising has given it, essentially, a second meaning.

Of course, to get around this, other companies may simply need to use a solution as simple as just utilizing a different parsing: “foot long,” rather than “footlong.” Another solution? Make 13″ sandwiches and call sandwiches by “competitors” small.

Ultimately, I think we all know that there’s one person on this planet who might need to contest this trademark: Ron Jeremy.

Another victory for justice!

Steve Rogers, better known as Captain America, was killed a few years ago–or so we thought. Turns out he was just having some legal issues.

A doctor (!) from Brevard County, Florida was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants, back in 2007. But now it looks like Cap–er “Dr. Raymond Adamcik” as he wants to be called during this ordeal, will not serve jail time after all. Instead, he’ll be put in a program for first-time offenders and screened randomly for drugs and alcohol.

Rogers was on a bar crawl for medical professionals when the Red Skull took over his mind temporarily and made him grope the woman, at least that’s his side of the story.

Still, there’s something oddly unpatriotic about Captain America eating burritos. Marvel will do anything for free publicity these days.

Eat My Sports: LeBron voyage

Not since the Summer of George has an off-season been met with so much anticipation. LeBron James’ pending free agency has been the topic of debate since the beginning of the 2007-2008 season, and the subject of much planning in the New York Knicks’ front office ever since finally getting rid of Isaiah Thomas.

LeBron should stay in Cleveland. He’s the hometown hero, the second coming of Jordan, he could end a 46-year professional sports’ title drought in a city mainly known for having their football fans dress up like basset hounds. Continue reading Eat My Sports: LeBron voyage

Fabulous news regarding DADT

After nearly two years of gay and lesbian advocates asking the Obama administration to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” it appears that Congress will introduce a bill, possibly even this week.

President Barack Obama is reportedly on-board with the plan, albeit “grudgingly” because he didn’t plan to introduce anything until at earliest November, by which time he could find a way to support gays in the military without it sounding “so gay.” The President quickly added, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

President Obama’s hesitation is understandable since his first 18 months in office have been plagued with questions about his sexuality. There was Mustardgate when Obama ordered Dijon mustard for his burger. Or the knowing glances he got in response to asking Secretary of State Clinton if a tie brought out his eyes enough.

Even before his election, he was declared an ivory tower elitist, who pals around with terrorists … terrorists, who might be gay and hate straight people.

Should the amendment make it into defense authorization bill, the repeal would not take effect until after a study by the Joint Chiefs of Staff to ensure that the entire military won’t look gay … you know, except for the gays … who are valuable assets members contributors to national defense.

There’s something out there

And it’s clearly doing our job for us. Which is wonderful!

Cows are being mutilated in Alamosa, Colorado, and no one knows why. No one but Mike Duran, that is.

“I believe there are aliens. People may laugh at me for thinking that,” Duran said. “(The aliens) do what they have to, and then they bring (the cows) back and they drop them back in the field. And that’s why there are no tracks.”

Well, you know what? As long as it’s not a bladed appendage, I want to shake the hand of whoever is doing the slaughtering. Summer is just upon us and the weather has just been pristine. As such, it’s that time of the year for grilling, which puts a big smile on me. And if anyone (or anything) wants to do some favors for the local butchers and meat departments around here and do a little preliminary chopping of beef, well, that’s just perfectly fine with me.

Thriller night

Hey guys, we’re only a month away from the first anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death! You know what that mean, more news about Michael Jackson!

How do you plan to spend the anniversary? Are you going to record a kooky video of you and your inmate friends doing the Thriller dance? Perhaps if you’re not incarcerated, you would be interested in going to Tokyo and spending all night with some of Jacko’s junk (we mean his possessions, perverts).

A few hundred thousand fans will be able to spend an entire night among the Neverland Collection at Tokyo Tower. Tickets further profiting from Jackson’s death are going fast!